Love Me

The frangible nirvana in which we linger can hardly bear the sodden weight of yet another madly raging, indiscreetly barfing, freaking-out and probably getting arrested Courtney Love report. Perhaps understanding this instinctively, Courtney has generously managed to only get sued by her own damn lawyers this week. The particulars are incidental; I just hope Courtney can feel the glowing warmth of our collective gratitude in whichever rehab she languishes.

Courtney: a glowing credit to women, music, and this mossy little crag of the Pacific Enn-Double-Ewe in which we shiver.

And the Lords of Karma demand confession: Elijah Wood's geeky "Elvish" tattoo isn't nearly as much on his precious little ass (as I recently led you to believe), for, in truth, it's really more on his adorable little hip. Sort of. (Anatomically correct? I've never claimed to be such a thing.) May this confession hereby exorcise all paranoia that beneath every shrub and shadowy chifforobe lurks a wee and vengeful Elijah, eager to leap out and bite my knee, please God, amen.

Ignore that, Elijah. I'm just joking. Please love me.

Speaking of please loving me: Please note that for some reason Ashton Kutcher, Justin Timberlake, Danny Roberts, Colin Farrell, that guy who plays Clark Kent on Smallville, along with about fifty other studs I wanna fuck (and to a lesser degree Seth Green, and maybe Vanilla Ice if he were massively medicated and shut the fuck up, although I'd never admit it) will not appear in this column this week.

And if you have any idea what the hell Jennifer Aniston was talking about when she recently said, "I will do everything in my power to get that ferret more work!"... well, you're weird is what.

And while we're busy forgetting all that, I think those scandal rags that I never read just reported another new theory as to the ever-elusive real and fer-true reason behind the slow and excruciating dissolution of Jennifer What's-Her-Booty's and Ben Damon or whoever's relationship, so, naturally, I vomited and turned the goddamn page.

Lastly, if you sincerely understand that, "She just jumped into the driver's seat... the owner was hysterical, shouting, and trying to run after her," is a quote associated with the huge scene Beyoncé caused when she "accidentally" jacked some poor be-yatch's ride (Beyoncé and said be-yatch apparently drive the exact same mad-phat ride, confusion at valet parking ensued, and so forth), well, you've obviously already heard all about it, haven't you? Well, why are we still discussing it?

I just don't know anymore.