And I've been so utterly swayed by Dan Devone's long and stable record of being really, really smiley and offering to buy me drinks one time that I shall lie and claim that this report of his allegedly "cheesing it up" with a giggling harem of four allegedly blond and possibly not very sportscasting-related hoochie-mammas in a local bar, and, upon completion of said cheesing, leaving a shamefully shitty gratuity actually features Jean Enersen, whom no one seems to care for very much and who has never offered to buy me a Goddamn thing. Jesus Christ, Enerson. Learn how to tip for fuck's sake.
And Eddie Vedder's girlfriend (AKA "Eddie Vedder's girlfriend") is either a little bit pregnant or suffering from a tapeworm (that is, a very lovely, little bit pregnant tapeworm, I'm sure), for her equally lovely midsection was seen bulging portentously at the Impact Awards at the Westin recently. Reports confirm that the rest of her body was also in attendance, but bulging far less portentously. Updates as events unfold.
A very excited person named "Jules" writes, "Could it be that I saw John Waters walking down First Avenue today?" claiming that the suspected possible encounter was one of those "I know him--did I sleep with him?" moments. However, "I'd never sleep with anyone who looks like John Waters," Jules hastens to explain, a sentiment I'm sure billions can relate to, although I stand by my original position that not loving John Waters is like not loving one's own mother. One's own filthy, foul-mouthed, shit-eating whore of a mother.
No offense.
And yes, Jules, John did a much-publicized show at the Paramount. Don't you read this rag?
Neither do I.
And, as seems to be the wont of estranged celebrity couples, Uma and Ethan are still--months and months later!--fielding fields of mad rumor and voracious conjecture as to the real and fer-true motivation behind their tragic split, although it should be clearly apparent to everyone who saw Kill Bill that Ethan broke up with Uma because of her mangled, mangled chicken toes.
Courtney Love claims that she's been swindled out of 40 million dollars via various dark conspiratorial forces. I deeply encourage everyone to visualize Courtney surrounded by a protective white light, and send cash donations to the Courtney Might Have Been Swindled Relief Fund, c/o me, The Stranger. Karmic reasons. Thanks.
