Madonna, who is singularly obsessed with ancient Hebrew juju and is getting weirder by the second, reportedly has, in the fulfillment of some unfathomable Kabbalah-ishy ho-ha or other, shocked the world, the mother of the Son of God, and maybe, posthumously, her own biological and widely acknowledged to have died like a really long time ago mother (Madonna Sr.) by scrapping her ostensibly given name (yes, "Madonna") and rebaptizing herself as, dear Lord, Esther. Yes, Esther.

Did you fucking hear me? Esther.

Whether or not Madonna/Esther/Who-the-fuck-ever's decision to adopt the moniker as her own--a moniker made first famous by an ass-kicking Hebrew queen, yet it has over many unkind centuries nevertheless waxed inarguably rather old-lady-stinking--affects her willingness to be circumcised or pay retail tax has yet, if ever, to be determined.

"Dear Adrian--Ronald Reagan was a great statesman, you commie pinko faggot."--PR

Dear PR--Wait. Ronald who, now?

Elsewhere entirely almost: The blond girl, it is said, was very young and very pretty. But it's John Popper we're concerned with, as it has been conclusively confirmed maybe that he--who has apparently uprooted his Poppery self from wherever he was previously rooted and, stretching the metaphor excessively, rerooted those roots around here--was spotted just last week. Here. Seattle. Which was still where he was the last time the issue was explored with any intrepidity. Much of this rootish rambling was engendered by a lengthy and detailed report from "Squidia" (hush--it ain't fucking Esther) in which he and or possibly she quite thoroughly spotted Mr. Popper and the aforementioned but unidentified pretty blond girl at a screening of The Stepford Wives. He drank soda and wore a hat. Perhaps he had roots.

So is Leslie Miller gone yet? I refuse to look at the news until the presidency stops scaring me.

"Dear Adrian--I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure Chris Martin (the fucktard who married the stick bitch and named his kid after a fruit) walked right past me in Ralph's Market last Friday."--Kelli

Dear Kelli--Fucktard? Stick bitch? Call me. I love you. Please be a boy.

Lastly: Some guy called "Allan" teaches an ostensibly amazing "Serious Sculpt" class at the Key Tower Allstar Fitness downtown, and this is where a girl called "Heather" reports that she, only last week, saw Gwen Stefani. "It's true. She looks great. That's about it."