Apropos of nothing: One simply does not say "dirty socks" to Halle Berry. And one certainly does not ever say that her particular junk-food preference (salt-n-vinegar potato chips, of course) reminds one of them to her face. This fundamentally obvious law of the universe managed to escape Ryan "Trying-oh-so-hard- to-seem-casually-comfortable-with-himself-and- somehow-only-29ish-years-old-bwa-ha-ha" Seacrest entirely, for he did precisely that on some show I hear he hosts but have never watched, damn you.
The look. On. Her. Face. Shattering.
Also, I had a fauxhawk first, goddammit. (Hell, I may have even invented the word.) All you little fauxhawkers (or faux fauxhawkers--the issue is not without complexity) can just step off and get your own goddamn haircut. I've forsaken The Gay, but the hair's not going down without bloodshed. Word.
Anthropologists may one day uncover evidence of what dark forces colluded to saturate our so-called culture with American Fucking Idol. But some pieces of the puzzle might be found somewhere circa Nordstrom on Pine Street, as Diana DeGarmo and Jennifer Hudson, who allegedly appeared on said program, also allegedly appeared there recently. "I'm 6'2", and Jennifer Hudson towered over me," reports "Josh." Astonishingly, "Jason" stumbled across the equally idolatrous John Stevens at a similar, but not too similar, downtown location. "He is a dork, but he was nice," we are assured.
And naturally I'd be crushed about Jake and Kirsten's breakup if I weren't just about to face fuck one of them. (Which of them is anyone's guess. Now.) And I'm serious about the hair, kids. I'm gonna blow like mail from Muslims. Irate, politically inclined Muslims. On the Fourth of July. Whatever.
