Martha frickin' Stewart. That's exactly who the alleged witness claims to have seen, and that's precisely how she refers to her. "I'm totally not kidding," she assures us in her breathless communiqué. "Martha-frickin'-Stewart!"
The poop: According to the above-mentioned mysterious source (who is totally not kidding) Martha Stewart breezed right past her in the new, and evidentially artsy/crafty, Central Library. (I've never been in it. I'm not homeless.) "She was with a very small group and was snapping pictures... she seemed quite interested in the stonework inside," re-ports the mysterious source.
Martha's breezy library visit has titillated and concerned many nonspecific appreciators of devastatingly fabulous holiday centerpiece arrangements. Did Martha, who is a reprobate, visit our fancy new Homeless Hotel (AKA "library") to appraise her future social pool? Or was frickin' Martha propelled by some compulsive obsession to photograph indoor rock formations? (Some theorists conjecture that masonry photography has its roots in the Bavarian Illuminati.) Or is Martha possibly far more personally involved in "stonework" (wink-wink) than any of us ever imagined? Read forth...
The poop thickens: Insiders in the newspaper industry report that Ms. Frickin' Stewart was also spotted touring the Pike Place Market--where she allegedly exchanged eye-opening (and possibly dilating) quips with a saucy market employee. To wit: Saucy employee, "Hey, I thought you were in the joint!" to which Martha quipped back, "I could use a joint right about now." Whatever. Experts agree that in spite of her deep personal connection (or complete lack thereof) to things jointy and/or stony, and in light of recent legal ugliness, Martha Stewart is truly far less frickin' than she is totally fricked. Word.
Elsewhere: Macaulay Culkin, last seen not attending the Seattle International Film Festival, was charged with pot possession. He is also fricked.
Elsewhere else: Eddie Vedder, who is fuzzy, hates George Bush, and was much hotter 10 years ago, did a big concert at the Showbox to encourage young Democrats to vote. Some smart new group called "the Pearl Jam" or something played with him. (Big things from these kids, you'll see.) Lots and lots of people turned up and lots of pretty songs were sung and I'm not saying that any tons of the pot were probably used but blah, blah, blah...
Vote Eddie. 10 years ago.
P.S. You've been taunted, you been teased... FINALLY! Delicious! Fresh! New! www.Adrianryan.com! Frick! This is still not an endorsement.
