Litigious Bitchsmacka

Courtney Love has been smacked with another enormous lawsuit. It possibly left an angry welt throbbing across her cheek, or ass maybe, depending on where she was smacked with it. (Several nonspecific witnesses refused to comment when possibly questioned. It is widely acknowledged that Courtney holds tremendous sway over the minds of nonspecific witnesses in particular.) Courtney could not be reached, as my arms are kind of short.

And before we waste another nanosecond on that or other such trash, forces beyond my im-mediate control insist that we address the recent so-called presidential "debate"--most notably, the myriad post-debate analyses, at which I screamed, "What the fuck do you MEAN, a DRAW? What do you MEAN, "BOTH men were STRONG and BUSH held his own with the FACTS"??? That Bush hasn't the remotest clue what the fuck he's talking about and possesses the repartee skills of a brick of shit? DID WE WATCH THE SAME EVENT? HOW MUCH IS HALIBURTON PAYING YOU, you SHAMELESS, LYING FILTH? Also, I DEMAND that investigative reporters from trustworthy networks seize upon the issue immediately. BBC International, probably. Word.

Speaking of ostensible reporters: What's left of Leslie Miller has washed up upon the magical shores of KABC-TV, Los Angeles (a happy, happy Disney station), for whom she'll begin reporting (alas, not anchoring) come November. "I will definitely miss Seattle and the viewers who have been so loyal to me over the years, but I do plan to visit regularly," she threatened. No loyal viewers could be reached for comment.

In more earful news: "Adrian--I cannot believe no one wrote to tell you of the glorious sighting of Michael Phelps, hottie Olympic-gold-medallist swimmer, at Club Medusa," at which point the source lost me, as I loathe the sports. This does not detract however from the curious fact that young Michael also works for Disney. (See for yourself at www.michaelphelps.com)

In other correspondence: "Adrian--I was working at La Petit Cafe on Broadway, and had the pleasure of serving Robin Williams," writes Daniel R. "I was mesmerized. I thanked him for all the times that he made me laugh," Daniel's report further explains, at which point I got extremely teary and was forced to stop reading to rush for tissues.

Lastly: John Kerry was recently spotted kicking the shit out of some brain-fumbling imbecile in a national debate while simultaneously earning my once foolishly reluctant confidence, energetic endorsement, and other forms of total support. He has clearly addressed each of my previous criticisms. You're welcome, world.

Vote John Fucking Kerry!

Send things to adrian@adrianryan.com .