I've kept my gossipy poker out of Michael Jackson's flames quite nicely, thank you, and with an effort perhaps worthy of far nobler causes. I'm sure you understand why completely. So for the sake of continuity, we shall stick to the letter of this policy, and ignore any and all possible DNA evidence that may or may not exist like a barrel full of O. J. Simpson jurors, and conjecture not a bit as to exactly whose fingerprints, indeed, are all over several tons of glossy and possibly kiddy-enticing spank rags that certain FBI agents have gaily confiscated from Neverland Ranch--and/or if said fingerprints were or were not of legal spanking age, if that's not rambling. But we shall pay especially no attention to the children's holiday party that the tasteless freak threw at Neverland in spite of everything, lest our heads just up and fucking explode. Thank. The fuck. You.
Regarding last week's alleged sightings of über-Goonie Sean Astin, a concerned reader writes, "Adrian--Please, PLEASE, PLEASE talk more dish about this fat gay hobbit. We lovers of hairy husky dudes who are cute as goddamn meatstick buttons NEED to hear more. Is this gayness confirmable? PLEASE. Santa is not stuffing our stocking this year, so throw us a titty-latin' bone already." --Concerned, Sweetness
Dear "Concerned, Sweetness," I really have absolutely no idea what you're taking about. Sean Astin is married to a woman. But I encourage you and everyone else in the world to join me in an immediate boycott of Time fucking Magazine until such a time as it pulls its head out of George Bush's ass. Merry Xmess--Adrian
"Dear Adrian, I recently attended a Democratic ceremony at the Kennedy Center in Washington D.C. and Chevy Chase was a celebrity speaker. He went on an amazing tirade against the government and the ineptitude of the Democratic Party in general, called George Bush "a dumb fuck" and pissed off just about everybody when he critically punch-lined, "and we still couldn't beat him with a bore like John Kerry." Thought you'd find this interesting." --The Mole
Dear "Mole," Critically punch-lined? I really have no idea what you're talking about. But I love Chevy Chase now in ways nature never intended and that I can barely contain. Thanks for writing. Fuck Time! --Adrian
Lastly: Not really following in the footsteps of other celebrities who've auctioned their shit off recently, ever-original Bryan Adams (Remember him? Me neither.) auctioned away his unlaundered socks, supposedly for charity or something, for $1,046. And they were worth every dime. Fuck Time!
Do you hear me? Fuck it!