The Running Perv

Shutting completely the fuck up about Michael Jackson now: A survey of everyone I know finds that practically all of them are fully open to the concrete possibility that Michael is not entirely innocent perhaps, and should maybe be rushed to a probably crispy end through an elaborate, burnt-out urban maze by a fat and murderous contralto in a silver leotard with a flamethrower during a live pay-per-view hosted by Richard Dawson. "I deserve a fair trial like every other American citizen," Michael said recently in that repulsive powder-puff simper of his. Every Other American Citizen was busy locking windows and buying guns, however, and unavailable for comment.

Moving along: Filming of all sorts has been forbidden in the courtroom during any of Michael Jackson's trial. E! Television--now surely at the zenith of its nefarious schemings--has seized upon this opportunity like a two-fisted ratings vulture and drawn up secret plans to use actors (for God's sakes) to perform daily reenactments of the terrible circus that will surely be this so-called trial. (Nauseated? Delighted? Yes. What you're feeling now is called "ambivalence.") And yes I lied when I said we were moving along.

Elsewhere: "Hello Adrian, I am delighted to report that my morning yoga class at Santosha Yoga in Madison Valley was graced with the adorable presence of Robert Downey Jr.! Turns out he's not too bad at yoga, either. Yours, Star-struck Yogini"

Dear Yogini: Some things are far too painful to face, others too revolting. Robert Downey Jr. with his freshly yogacized ass in the air ("downward facing dog" style!) is neither of those things. Scrumptious! You lucky little pretzel! --Adrian

Yes, I'm just kidding. Jesus.

"Dear Adrian, I am a loyal New York reader. I was leaving our new AOL Time Warner Center in Manhattan, coming up the escalator was Hal Sparks--the star of Queer as Folk and Talk Soup--looking good, if tired, and maybe in need of a trip to Marc Jacobs. --Sam Chafos"

Dear Sam: Who's this "Marc Jacobs"? I'll cut the bitch. Thanks for writing. --Adrian

In other news: Paris Hilton is a revolting slut.

Lastly and more personally: Crazy people, kindly stop sneaking into The Stranger and trying to attack me. I'm not there. I am in a hidden mountain compound somewhere French sounding (or is it?). I'm only the invention of your tortured imagination anyway. Your efforts are merely futile. Thanks in advance.