They saw her at the Cha Cha, and at Bimbo's, just next door. At El Corazón, she chatted perkily, or so they say, with the drummer of the Bravery and "some random chick." They described her, variously, as, "wretched," "adorable," "fucking obnoxious," and "so cute!" Her name is Kelly Osbourne, and as I warned you, she was here.

Dammit! I told you she was going to be here! O, God forgive me! I tried to tell you!

So, anyway, I called up my good friend Frenchie Davis, who is, of course, the ex-American Idol finalist from a few seasons back who was dismissed rather rudely by puritanical producers when her lingeried largesse was discovered decorating the flickering e-pages of an online fetish site, and I asked her what she thought of the chunky little puddin' pot (Scott something-something) who's on the show now and who didn't get tossed even after his domestic-violence arrest and subsequent conviction on a lesser charge were just discovered, and she said, "Who the hell is this? Why do you keep calling me?"

And I never, ever watch American fucking Idol.

"Dear Adrian--Tommy Lee was having a Tupperware party at Wasabi Bistro. Group toast, 'Let's hope all our ups and downs are on a bed.' --HMF"

Dear HMF--A Tupperware party? Good heavens. I never realized fresh hot-dog buns were so important to Tommy Lee. Good for him. --Adrian

And while we're still not speaking of American Idol, it might also not be worth noting that Ryan Seacrest just sued a whole gaggle of fags for producing American Pornstar, the predictable and inevitable hardcore gay porn knockoff of the show, which includes a faux, if decidedly less faggy, version of Ms. Seacrest. Ryan Seacrest suing fags is, of course, redundant somehow.

"Adrian--While idling away my Sunday afternoon at high tea at the Sorrento Hotel, I spied none other than the scourge to the Seattle prepubescent set, Mary Kay Letourneau. She and her now-shaving boy toy/husband, Vili Fualaau, snuggled in the Fireside Room. --Typhooie"

Dear Typhooie--My, that's a funny name! Typhooie! It's like you're French, and you mock ze typhoon. TYPHOOIE!

Oh. And speaking of redundant somehow: Courtney Love has been cast to play Linda Lovelace in an upcoming biopic of said late porn star, who, in turn, once played "Deep Throat" in a certain filthy movie of the same name. "This is the role I was born to play: I've been rehearsing for it my whole life," Courtney didn't say, but should have.

Send! adrian@thestranger.com