Smell that? Right. Kelly Osbourne.

Speaking of witch: Upon deeper examination, experts have determined that the ghostly toadstool floating spookily in the center of the mysterious photos that somebody sent me was actually not proof of some sort of hellish half-life beyond the grave, but merely Kelly Osbourne. (Or perhaps an excessively eldritch Hot Topic employee, if that's not entirely redundant. And it is.) Fortunately the blessed limits of photo technology have provided that neither Ms. Osbourne's excessive whining nor a single rancid note of her alleged "singing" can be heard via these photos, which were snapped during her recent visit (and you can still smell her! I swear! Greasepaint and pork rinds!), and so they may be viewed with relative safety at (for God's sake, don't stare into the eyes!). Also, I hereby swear by all that's good and relatively holy that I shall never raise the subject of Kelly Osbourne, nor any member of her odious, drug-annihilated immediate family, in any context, ever again. (Especially not Sharon, who should have been publicly killed with rocks for that talk show of hers--viva Ellen!) Yet I am riddled with digression.

Look at me. Riddled, I tell you!

Speaking of terrible lies: "Dear Adrian, When I was searching for your story about how Whitney Houston was supposedly mean to you, I found a piece you wrote in which you forgave her, and you promised that you would start being nice to her. I quote, 'So from this moment on, you will never hear another pearl drop from my lips about what a SNAG that evil twat is. Scouts honor.' But you keep doing it! Explain yourself!"--Alex

Dear Alex, What the fuck? You're my mother or something?

In other unsavory femalia: Jenna Bush worked her boozy Republican skank up and down some unsuspecting, unprepared New York club last week, and all the boozy, skank-filled Republican skankiness was, of course, secretly videotaped (supposedly) by some enterprising young snitch who plans to auction off the filthy footage. Although specific details are unavailable at the time of this writing, it's not too early to assure the world that the words and/or phrases "thong" and "down on all fours" can be accurately used to describe one or more highlight moments in the film. Thank you.

In Whitney Huston is still a big drugged-out snatch news: "Adrian--I tried Googling your bad experience with Whitney Houston, nothing. Maybe you should let us know some keywords or something."--PK

Dear PK--I'm never talking about Whitney Houston again. Please pay attention.