If it is indeed true that Lucy Lawless just breezed rather butchly through town-and if indeed her purpose for doing so had something to do with starring in some play or something-it is also a fact that I didn't mention it or warn anybody because, as I'm sure everyone the world over realized long ago, I refuse to be the mindless shill of theater in any of its nefarious forms. (Fuck theater! Do you hear me? Fuck it!) And if ever you're faced with a similar situation, I encourage you to assume my position. Mostly top. Versatile occasionally maybe, if the chemistry's right. Honestly. Shut up.

What?

In other alleged big bottoms, possibly: Johnny Depp was recently shopping at the lamentable Broadway Market QFC. There is no concrete proof of this event, but according to "The Crazy Lady That Shops There All The Time," he was wearing his hat pulled down low over his big dark glasses. He also allegedly conrmed his identity to said "Crazy Lady," or so the story goes, when she apparently just rushed up and asked him like a total retard or something. Then he allegedly warned her not to make a fuss-which she immediately did to a QFC employee we'll call "Brit," who promptly relayed the story to me or one of my many assistants, depending. "I don't know if her story is true," Brit confesses, "but I once talked to Robin Williams for like 10 minutes! But that was like ve months ago..." Julie from The Love Boat could not be reached for comment.

Or could she?

In other things, hopefully: An evil squirrel lives in Danny Roberts' tree. It skitters and plots and gnaws through Danny's electrical cords and eats his budding asparagus and therefore possibly has malodorous urine. Speculation is broad. Updates as hell freezes over.

Lastly: Did you know that Mariah Carey songs played at certain volumes apparently have the uncanny power to open and close electric garage doors? (I'm totally not making this shit up. Google it-I swear. They can also open cans and kill small birds!) And did you also know that the once mighty and terrible Justin Timberlake is now playing... bar mitzvahs? (Do Jews like gays, or what? Does anybody know?) Or that poor, wonderful Dave Chappelle has packed his big crazy black bags or something and institutionalized himself-and that his show has been "postponed" until he's diagnosed relatively compos mentis? And did you know that Jesus is watching you... and that Jesus. Never. Sleeps?

He just goes crazier... and crazier... ■

Send: adrian@adrianryan.com