Michael Jackson, who will burn in hell anyway, is practicing the Kabbalah now. Indeed, the revolting freak—whom you might recall from some sort of legal imbroglio or other (the details escape me at the moment)—has been spotted wearing the same little red good-luck bracelet thingy as compulsively as other mighty Kabbalists like Ashton Kutcher—who never takes his off, not even for the filming of his newest pile of crap, which some poor underpaid schmuck with a BA from the Arts Academy or something was forced to spend endless sad, bleary hours erasing from each and every little frame, the big jackass. (Britney Spears and some old former lesbian called Madonna supposedly wear similar spooky red-string juju jewelry all the time, too, or so the old-timers tell it.) The Los Angeles Kabbalah Center refused to comment. Nobody fucking blames it.
"Hi, Adrian! Do you have any news about Susan Silver after she divorced Chris Cornell?" —Ama
Dear Ama, No.
"Dear Adrian, Yeeps! My daughter and I saw Elvis Costello at Whole Foods on Sunday. He smiled! We love us some Elvis." Thanks —Squidia
Dear Squidia, Indeed, and that's why he has an immaculate colon. Immaculate! And are Scientologists into circumcision or what? The world demands an answer!
Elsewhile: Tom Cruise, who is much like various Kabbalists but more pork-rich, was attempting one of his compulsorily fabulous red carpet ingresses at the big London premiere of some Orwellian film about evil Scientologists or something that he's supposedly affiliated with (they come from outer space to take over the planet: It's a documentary!). Suddenly, some fake entertainment news person with an equally fake microphone (it was a tricky water pistol in secret!) squirted Tom right in his smiley, smiley face, and Tom got really angry and relatively damp and called the guy a big fat jerk for like 10 full minutes—and the really freaky thing? Tom's attitude and demeanor didn't change even one tiny little bit throughout the entire humid ordeal, and he looked and sounded exactly the same as he might have on, say, Oprah (for example) when he, say, declared his excessively ebullient and alleged twitterpation for what's-her-ass with the gigantic herpe over and over while bouncing on the sofa like a lunatic. And I saw it all on KING 5 news, so you know that shit's for real. Word. ■
Hey, Adrian lovers, why not go log yourselves onto the Stranger Forums (forums.thestranger.com) and tell the world why you think he's the funniest, most brilliant columnist The Stranger has ever seen?
