If history teaches us anything, it's that Tori Amos hates Paris Hilton. Indeed. So fucking much. It seems singularly appropriate, then, that she should dress her pet dog—which certainly isn't a fucking Chihuahua—up in adorable and poignant little "I FUCKING HATE TINKERBELL SO MUCH" or whatever doggie T-shirts. Apparently, someone called Missy Elliott, who also has a dog, is displaying a similar contempt for Miss Hilton and her bitch (redundantly speaking) via similar sartorial doggie-couture-engendered hate messages, word, yo. Paris Hilton herself, of course, remains a loathsome slut.

"Dear Adrian, My best friend and I waited on Mary Kay Letourneau's parking spot at the IKEA parking garage in Renton. She was driving a white Mercedes SUV. Prison must have treated her well. She is probably old news but I just thought you should know. —Julene and Kristan"

Dear Julene and Kristan, Ah, prison. Speaking of forbidden boy-love: In his first exclusive post-trial interview with Barbara Walters, Michael Jackson explained that what really happened was the 12-year-old cancer boy spiked his punch and tried to sodomize him. Just kidding.

Also: Ron Sims marched in Seattle's gay pride parade, and evidentially he didn't wear underwear. And that's all anyone needs to know about that. Ever.

Speaking of Kabbalah: Madonna just worked her hellish will and somehow scored her 10-year-old daughter a credit card with a $10,000 limit. Also, she has a huge gap in her teeth. Yes, still.

Regarding Keanu Reeves and his alleged big lack of any legitimate heterosexuality whatsoever: "Dear Adrian, If Keanu Reeves is a fag, then I have to say only one thing: 'Salute to the fags!' Because if he is one, then fags are so goddamn hot! Hi from Greece, Sonja"

Dear Sonja from Greece, Sorry! I don't speak Greek! Anymore. Personal reasons. Salute!

Somewhere even Greasier: A source that I just failed to acknowledge reports that a terrible woman armed with a broken bottle rushed screaming at Leonardo DiCaprio and (egads!) slashed his pretty, pretty face. Leonardo's face got tons of stitches and the crazy bitch was promptly arrested—and hopefully faces the death penalty. Not to trash talk crazy bitches. Some of my best hos is crazy bitches. Word, yo.

"Adrian, This is a shameless fan mail. Aren't you going to blog so we can spend time together every dreary workday? —Sam, NYC"

Dear Sam, NYC, Blog? What is blog? I don't speak Norwegian or Swedish or whatever either. Anymore. Salute! ■

blogmyass@adrianryan.com!