At the time of this writing, the ferocious squall of terror that has murdered the inimitable glory that was once New Orleans has supposedly broken and degenerated its poor citizens to the mind-crushing act of—dear Mother of Christ!—cannibalism. Which is rather poetically ironic for New Orleans, but still. Soon to be ex-President (if there is any justice in this world) George W. Bush is expected to mobilize all remaining American military forces to attack the people of some random Arab nation in response to the disaster. He is, of course, a one-trick pony.
In other signs of the Apocalypse: Martha Stewart is free. God help us. God help us all.
Also, Michael Jackson walks the earth once again, having emerged from his slimy hole for the first time since that entire hellish travesty of justice happened.
In even more End Time prophesies fulfilled: "And the waifish shorties will come amongst you, and they will be fucking adorable, Selah." And so it came to pass that the Elijah Wood came unto the land of Fourth Avenue and Spring Street (by the scary new library!), and there he was seen, and verily did he holdeth hands and indeed make sweet smoochy with his heretofore biblically unprophesized but taller girlfriend. Selah.
Elsewhere: I've intercepted a practically impenetrable communiqué from Australia (for God's sake), which assures us of two peculiar things: John Cusack is "sexually confused," and Robin Hitchcock has been hanging around Victrola Coffee on 15th Avenue because, apparently, Mrs. Robin Hitchcock's art is hanging on the walls. How anyone in Australia could possibly know either of these obscure bits of information is a tremendous mystery. A tremendous mystery, indeed. Selah.
In deeper questions: What the fuck does Selah mean, anyway? Jesus Christ.
In more hurricanes: Courtney Love might lose her New York home for missing a bunch of payments. And that's all I have to say about that.
In more forgetful rumors: If you heard that Snoop Dogg arrived amidst a flurry of great unexpectation at Hempfest, and then proceeded to pass a generous amount of something called "blunts" among the lucky random passersby who probably don't even remember meeting him by now, then you most likely aren't me, because I don't think I heard that at all.
Lastly: Robin Williams, who was recently spotted buying vacation property in Bellingham, was ever-so-much-more recently spotted being accosted in some Vancouver, BC hotel lobby by a twitterpated fan who adored Good Will Hunting. (But who didn't?) Apparently he is in the area filming a movie ambiguously "based" in Seattle, whatever that means. Be warned. Selah!