"My heart and prayers go out to every individual who has had to endure the pain and suffering caused by this tragedy," is what Michael Jackson just said—and if you can believe it he was talking about a hurricane, not his existence in general. He's planning a so-called "release" of one of his smarmy and obnoxious little tunes about the big wind, and soon after that he's having an extended team of plastic surgeons go to town on his face in what will surely be the biggest and most dangerous undertaking in human history—to make Michael Jackson look like a real boy.

In other windy celebrities: Sean Penn rushed to New Orleans with his entourage, a cameraman (I remember when he used to beat those up), and a "whatever I can do to help" attitude. Sadly, the small rescue vessel he commandeered had a big hole in it, and he and his crew sank despite his furious efforts to bail the water out with a little plastic cup. Then, Colin Farrell auctioned himself off for a private date and earned a comparatively piddly $20,000 to help Katrina victims, while Paris Hilton got an enormous bid for $200,000, definitively proving which one of them gives better head.

Elsewhere: The mansion that Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe just bought in South Bellingham cost $3.5 million. It has five bedrooms, a pool, and a tennis court. Some speculators speculate that the Oscar-winning actress and Rob Lowe's little brother purchased the home because they secretly already are, or are about to be, very pregnant, which is impossible since she and Chad probably don't really have real sex. With each other. Really.

"Dear Adrian, It is my understanding that residents of Bellingham prefer to be called 'Bellinghamsters,' as God-awful as that is. I shit you not. Love, Dolly"

Dear Dolly, Thank you for not shitting me. Thank you very much.

Nextly: Courtney Love drives poor little Frances Bean crazy. She doesn't brush her hair. She does The Drugs. "I prefer it when she's more classy starlet. I don't really like her hard-metal stuff, or when she doesn't brush her hair," Frances just told Teen Vogue. "I'm a different person." Experts agree that she should expect quite a spanking when her mother finally escapes the judicial system.

Lastly: Jennifer Aniston just said that her ex is a big jerk who lacks a "sensitivity chip" in an interview in Vanity Fair magazine. And of course she was talking about Brad Pitt. Still, this information in no way dissuades me from really wanting to be his underwear.