May great joy reign in the hearts of men, for our beloved Kathi Goertzen almost walks amongst us again. Mrs. Goertzen—who is certain to be canonized any second—has bravely bested that nasty brain tumor. A "close personal family friend" assures us that the Most Gracious Newscaster in the Universe is doing dandy (considering her head was just CRACKED open like a SODY-POP), and that her scary surgery went "just as planned." Although Kathi is still in treatment and the date of her return to the small and newsy screen hasn't been determined, she remains the only newscaster in the universe who isn't an odious freak.

In spookier doings: On October 6th at approximately 1:30 a.m. (PST), a peculiar message was left on my cell phone. The message was garbled, but through the din could be heard several easily identifiable members of the new Seattle-based horror film Cthulhu's crew and/or cast discussing FORESKIN. ("I'm only a fifth Jewish; it was just a trend at the time.") The cell phone of someone from the production had dialed mine on accident, and no one realized they were being recorded. SCARY! (See the Cthulhu trailer at

Elsewhere: Some random piece of she-meat claims that someone called "Nick Lachey" is a good kisser. "We kissed for a long time... Nick would rub my thigh... part of me kept thinking, 'he's married!'..." Of course, this Nick Lachey person claims that the random she-meat in question is a liar—even though the great big polygraph test she just passed seems to agree with her. Jessica Simpson remains, as ever, so very, very retarded.

In other news: Polygraphs have terrible gaydar.

"Adrian, I saw Sandra Bernhard at the Paramount watching Buster Keaton. She was in the front row right next to the mighty Wurlitzer organ."—Thanks! B.

Dear "B."—Oh, that Sandra. How she loves her big organs.

In fewer organs: Alexis Arquette is mostly famous for missing John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson when he burst screaming from the bathroom with that great big gun in Pulp Fiction and/or for being the brother of David and Patricia and, by extension, Courtney Cox-Arquette. He's soon to be even more famous for having his sexually confused netherbits snipped off on camera as a highlight in his new A&E reality show, Alexis Are-Cut, which plans to follow his hormone- and surgery-drenched transformation from homme to femme.

In other news: No, I didn't make that shit up. Alexis Are-Cut. Jesus! recommended