Desperate to try anything once, Brooke Shields is trying to birth herself another baby. Figure that one out.
Also: Leonardo DiCaprio is so concerned about global warming that he packed another three or so pounds of puppy fat into that interminable spare tire of his in protest. He remains somehow adorable. Scientists are baffled. Just in general.
In things less gay: The guy from Star Trek is gay. He just "came out" of the so-called closet. Gay experts fear that this event will cause a rash of excessively geeky self-outings and flood the world with fat-assed gay poindextersâprobably virginsâwhich will quickly lead to a general drop in the overall gay aesthetic, the devaluation of our stock, and the destabilization of our moisturizers. The Star Trek guy is the oldest person to ever have come out of the closet, raising the average coming-out age to 121.
In moderately related news: I haven't a nebulous notion which Star Trek guy it was who came out. It might have been the Chinese one or whatever, but I really don't care. If you say I do, I might kick you.
Gloria Estefan appeared suddenly out of nowhere and began to read a children's book at Town Hall that she allegedly wrote, called The Magically Mysterious Adventures of Noelle the Bulldog. No one is sure why.
Tom Cruise belongs to a peculiar cult that worships aliens or something. Steven Spielberg belongs to a peculiar cult that worships Abraham or something. Apparently, the two just had a great big "falling out" over so-called psychiatryâSteven's Hebrewy pro views vs. Tom's outer-spacey con views. Although no one anywhere understands why this story is important enough to repeatâlet alone for me to report uponâI agree with Tom entirely on the matter, so now the Spielbergs will never invite me to Thanksgiving.
Do Jews do Thanksgiving?
In other news: those droll Iranians are all going crazy again and probably have secret nuclear weapons, therefore Jew jokes of any sort will remain not funny until further notice. Forever maybe. In the meantime we'll be picking on midgets and fat chicks. Shalom.
In fewer Jews: I rang up my good friend Sandra Bernhard on her private line and asked her to share perhaps a clever anecdote concerning her new gig cohosting something called Queer Edge with Jack E. Jett on something called Q Television Network, and she said, "Who the fuck is this? How the fuck do you keep getting my number? I'm calling the cops!"
