Let's discuss uncles. We so rarely find the chance.

The uncle is indeed a queer sort of beast (often way too literally so), and when I am moved to dwell upon the subject of uncles and the important and peculiar roles they play in society, I tend to think of Michael Jackson. But this is hardly unnatural. It's been scientifically proven that the word "uncle" provokes the same chemical responses in the human neocortex as do the words "shiny loafers," "child molester," and "Liberace" (I read all about it in the Star), and, as everyone knows, Michael Jackson enjoys shiny loafers very, very much—so it's all merely a matter of elementary association. Of course, no one anywhere ever has been able to really care whether or not Michael Jackson is an actual niece- and/or nephew-having uncle, unless one were to count all of those secret love children that sneaky slut Janet Jackson hasn't been surreptitiously birthing over the years and doesn't have squirreled away somewhere. And the sensible would be well advised not to.

"Hello Adrian, I'm sitting in my apartment in Montreal reading your column. I will not only give you praise, I will also throw out an idea: Let's bring Oprah down! Together, we can overthrow her empire and expose her as the heinous monster that I have always believed her to be. Yeah... so that's it. I love your column."—Bob

Dear Bob, Montreal has nothing to do with uncles. And your logic is flawed. If we kill dear Uncle Oprah, who will give us free cars? Right. Uncle Ellen.

In more alleged stuff: Uncle Tom Cruise bought Uncle Katie Holmes and their horrible unborn alien fetus a $20 million Gulfstream jet, reportedly on the advice of his close uncle the Dark Overlord L. Ron Hubbard.

Did I ever mention that my uncle is a mining tycoon who was run out of Iran by the Ayatollah Khomeini regime in 1978 or something with the fucking Shah? No? I always meant to.

Some alleged magazine I never read has proclaimed Uncle Matthew McConaughey the alleged "Sexiest Uncle Alive" or something. Hooray! Also, he never, but never, wears deodorant. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

"Adrian, [regarding last week's bit on Uncle Russell Crowe pimping himself out to Christmas parties for megabucks] It's not even remotely true! But don't let that stop you. It didn't stop the Sun or the Mirror, or wherever this piece of crap news started."—C. Wick

Dear C. Wick, All complaints must be submitted in writing to my uncle. Thank you.

Send! adrian@thestranger.com