Jennifer Lopez wears lots of fur, which is equivalent to lots of murder. Others claim that she wields unearthly voodoo powers. Even more recently she's been photographed chain-smoking, SMOKING, which is worse than voodoo, and fur, and murder, but the newly arisen information about Enrique Iglesias's new signature line of extra-small condoms for wee, wee wee-wees explains so much that I, for one, am moved to forgive her. Smoke your smoky head off, you furry little voodoo princess.

"Dear Adrian, I saw Mary Kay Letourneau and Billy walking arm and arm through Nordstrom at Southcenter Mall. The couple appeared to be Christmas shopping. Mary Kay had her usual 'I'm in love with a kid' glow on her face and Billy looked especially stylish. Thanks"—Maureen

Dear Maureen, I'm sorry, but the allegedly stylish kid's first name isn't Billy. It's Vili. As in "Vili Manilli."

Elsewhere: The Enquirer originally reported that Teri Hatcher owns a cute little VW van that she uses almost exclusively for cheap sex with random penis-having hangers-on, and then they took it all back. Now I just don't know what to believe. Hold me.

Meanwhile: "He's a bore after you sleep with him a couple of times," Howard Stern said about Brad Pitt during his last free-radio broadcast, and I for one would like to know where he gets his information. Jennifer Aniston was busy pretending that she's moved on and was therefore unable to comment (any more than she already has on every talk show and in every magazine in the universe), but nonspecific experts everywhere agree that her information is as totally fucked as Howard's. Is. Whatever.

Just when you think it couldn't suck any harder reality TV simultaneously achieved the nadir and zenith of sickening pathos, which of course means that it is soon to involve the Jackson family. Tito, mostly.

Sienna Miller's dad told Jude Law that he would kill him if he screws around on her again. "I told him if he did anything like this again, I'd kill him," he reportedly just said, confirming everything I just said precisely.

Regarding that horrible Eminem-related homicide: "You have blood on your hands, and you should be deeply, deeply troubled at the culture that you've helped to create," is what Moby said to Eminem about it.

Merry Xmess!

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