Jack Nicholson’s secret Danish love child has spoken out for the first time ever, but apparently I wasn’t listening.
“Dear Adrian: Could you send me an autographed picture? A real picture please, not the pencil-sketched caricature offered on your site. My mailing address is: (address withheld). Thank you.” —Ian
Dear Ian: Indeed, no. I couldn’t possibly give you an autograph. But I might be persuaded to trade an autograph for your slightly unwashed underwear and a pubic-hair sample, maybe. Send to: Adrian c/o The Stranger (address withheld). Thank you. —Adrian
Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gyllenhaal are apparently back together, which should curb my masturbatory cowboy fantasies not one iota, yee-haw.
In other news: I hate Kirsten Dunst so… fucking… much. You understand.
“Dearest Adrian: I’m sure you probably already know that a certain gorgeous Real World star is now pulling beer at a local fag bar, right?” —SR
Dearest SR, Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP! SHUT! UP! —Adrian
Elsewhile: Lindsay Lohan publicly insists that her possibly excessive binges of drugs and vomit are all firmly behind her now, but so is Jared Leto oftentimes, so maybe she shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss all those nasty pregnancy rumors. Miss Lohan also insists that all of her above-mentioned problems are the fault of some fruity little foreigner from That ’70s Show or something, but no one has the slightest idea what the hell she’s talking about, most specifically not Jared Leto. And who can blame him?
In more prolific vomit: When Whitney Houston recently went gaily wandering in nothing but some skanky jammies and a murderously expensive fur coat, she was generously described by astonished witnesses (and flabbergasted passersby) as “a horrible bag lady,” so apparently things are looking up for her. Praise Allah or whatever.
In relatively paler screeching addicts: While her manse in Olympia was busy being foreclosed upon for lack of payment, Courtney Love was spotted standing around some club watching Jake Gyllenhaal and Kirsten Dunst dance (yee-haw!), illustrating the fact that the two are back together again just like I said quite neatly, even though Courtney probably barely even remembers where she was that night, let alone who she stared at on the dance floor. And I bet she looked fat.
I hate Kirsten Dunst.