"Dear Adrian, Trey Parker was at Thumper's catching Cannibal Cabaret, based on his Cannibal! The Musical. He looks much taller in person and speaks like a Canadian from South Park. How weird is that?"—Bos

Dear Bos, If I heard correctly, Trey Parker also wears dirty homeless underpants, which he finds floating in disreputable places. It makes him crazy horny. He told me once. When he was high. How weird is that?—Adrian

Meanwhile: Shelley Winters is dead now. Shelley was most recently famous for playing Roseanne's butch TV grandmother probably, and she was famous a really long time ago for drowning in classic disaster-at-sea films and appearing on something called The Love Boat with startling frequency. A funny, and very large, woman, she died peacefully in her sleep of 'roid rage. She was 142.

In other things almost equally dead: Lacking the fortitude to merely divorce and get it over with, Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe have "separated." How exactly this moderately divisive event will affect the ownership of their big expensive new house in Bellingham remains misty, if not entirely unclear. Maybe they'll run a Scotch tape line right down the center of it and choose sides, like the Brady Bunch did once.

"Adrian, I saw Joan Jett at Sea-Tac Airport; Jet Blue flight from NYC. She picks up her own baggage! I had to say "hello." Se was sooooo nice!—Laura

Dear Laura, Joan who, now?—Adrian

Elsewhile: Russell Crowe's fuzzy stubble is allegedly being auctioned on the internet. Some opportunistic maid scooped Russell's hairy shave leavings out of a hotel drain and then apparently rushed to eBay, which is sort of like what I did to Whitney Houston once, but I rushed to give the disgusting clump of her ratty hair that I fished out of a hotel drain to an acquaintance that I wanted to fuck really bad, so my motives were far less capitalistic than those of that shifty maid, technically speaking. Fucking cow.

In related news: If the above information turns out to be as fanciful and/or completely false as several other reports of Russell Crowe items allegedly going for auction, and if you suddenly feel the overwhelming urge to write me and bitch about it (like SOME people), please go to hell and fuck a shoe instead. Thank you.

Send!: Adrian@adrianryan.com