Nicole Richie is so wretchedly sick of all the rude rumors regarding her various alleged eating disorders that she could just puke—which naturally brings us to the freshest insanities of our own long-lamented and much-missed bucket of vomit, Courtney Love. They go something like this: An alleged woman whom Courtney apparently assaulted has demanded even more money for her allegedly lingering pains, and she is dragging poor Courtney’s ass back to court, which should be nice for her, since Courtney hasn’t been getting out much lately, and we all know how much her ass loves to drag.
“Adrian, Tuesday was the first night of The Wedding Singer at the 5th Avenue Theatre. Adam Sandler was there, and he sat in my aisle… after intermission I had to tell him that Cheetos aren’t allowed inside the theater. He was drunk and we talked for a bit, and since he was drunk he needed something in his stomach, so he took the Cheetos in anyway. Later I picked up his empty Cheetos bag.” —A.M.
Dear A.M., You can’t just come out and say things like “Adam Sandler was drunk.” You have to say things like “Adam Sandler was allegedly drunk or something maybe.” This is America. You can’t tell the truth. (Please refer to the recent State of the Union address.) Also, I’ll probably pay you an undisclosed fortune for that old Cheetos bag. I’m just wild for celebrity trash. I have a secret gallery of the shit. But of course you know that. You’re watching me secretly, just like everyone else. —Adrian
In related psychosis: While Dave Chappelle was busy being not really, really crazy on Oprah recently (really… really!), Andy Dick—who is equally not crazy, but in a much gayer way—was flying first class to Seattle via Alaska Air. This is illustrated thusly in the following forwarded message sent by anonymous persons: “Andy Dick was in first class on Alaska Airlines to Seattle. No idea why.” This mysterious message is rather rudely deficient in enlightening us as to the possible motives behind the ever-sunny Mr. Dick’s visit to our sodden, mildewed, gloom-glutted shores, but it is rather fascinating to discover that Alaska Air even has fucking first class, when they’ve never even managed to not lose my bags even once for a fucking change. Furthermore, Dave Chappelle assured Oprah that he never, but never ever, uses the drugs. So. That makes two of us.
Lastly: Ohhh… the Super Bowl. Ghastly. The best part was the commercial I was sort of in, of course, and you can experience it again at www.adrianryan.com! Don’t blink.