When one is moved to consider hot gay celebrity power couples, the likes of Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, Tom Cruise and Scientology, Ryan Seacrest and Himself, and Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe naturally spring to mind. It is Chad and Hilary (the gayest of these) that we must consider this week, as out of all of them, Hilary has the cutest ass, and probably the biggest dick and the most Oscars. Also, it has been reported that Hilary and Chad have mended whatever mad rift had rent their sick queer love asunder earlier this year, and can tear up the long strip of white tape that their butler or whoever put down to divvy up their bazillion-dollar Bellingham mansion and finally get back to buttfucking.

“Dear Adrian, Regarding the Chappelle-JJ Walker comparison, did you know that next weekend at a comedy club in this city of ours, a citizen with f*ck-all to do can actually watch the live stand-up comedy of Mr. JJ Walker, all 97 years of him? In case you didn’t, you do now. That’s not the kind of info that warrants a thanks, kind of like when you realized your parents have tried it “back there.” —Tony Brake

Dear Tony Brake, I’m sorry. I don’t currently understand whatever insane language you’re speaking. Please try again later. —Adrian

Elsewhile: Despite her shaggy brown mullet and her big fat ass, Paris Hilton is apparently not a dyke. This surprising development came to light just recently when she reportedly commanded one or more of her underlings (or “serfs”) to surround her and safeguard her royal person from any and all hapless females that should dare wander into her vicinity. If pressed for explanations, “Paris doesn’t do girls” is the answer she commanded them to give. Men on the other hand (of all hues and dispositions!) were and are encouraged to approach randomly and with increasing frequency. Which they do. Paris Hilton is, of course, a really jaded slut.

Then: Heath Ledger’s need to assure the world of his sexual proclivities was so compelling he had a baby. Then he asked Jake Gyllenhaal to be the baby’s godfather. Now I’m really confused.

In final dykes: My friend Ruby, who might be a dyke, sent me pictures of her and Jada Pinkett Smith doing something fabulous downtown last weekend. I’m not exactly sure what they were doing, but as Jada Pinkett Smith is probably largely heterosexual, it probably wasn’t all that dykey—or at least not excessively so. Or maybe it was. Whatever. I wasn’t there. I’m straight.

Send! adrian@thestranger.com

See Jada and Ruby dykin’ out! www.adrianryan.com