Unless my secret sources are mistaken—and please understand that I've never publicly established either confidence nor lack of confidence in any source whatsoever, secret or otherwise—it would seem as if a mysterious and barely identified Seattle muggle referred to here only as "JF" is officially and rather seriously the new girlfriend of Daniel Radcliffe—or Harry fucking Potter, for those who don't read the credits (AKA everyone). Indeed, for those with abbreviated attention spans, I said Harry fucking Potter seems to be dating a mysterious femme-type creature from Seattle. (She's in a BAND! A BAND!) This development does much to reestablish Seattle as The International Hometown of Famous People's Girlfriends (Conan O'Brien and the much absent Dave Matthews among them). And no, I don't follow the Harry fucking Potter. Shut the hell up.

Then, in a sudden gush of placenta: Expressly not-gay "actor" Brendan Fraser is so not gay that he just had another baby to prove it. Or, his wife did. Whatever. And because Mr. Fraser attended Cornish College, all of this is pertinent somehow, locally speaking. Also, whether or not Mr. Fraser has a restraining order against me is between me and my God—and my editors. Amen.

"Adrian, Did you know that everybody's favorite Scientologist, Tom Cruise, went to Aberdeen this week to hang out with some dude from fucking Wal-Mart who won him in a contest? It's true!"—JK

Dear "JK," Tom Cruise is hardly my favorite Scientologist.—Adrian

Next: Someone called "Courtney Love" or something felt moved to inform the world that she sold those Nirvana rights because she didn't have money for groceries and was practically starving ("It's very hard to be very, very famous and that broke," she says), but the world wasn't really paying attention, so she screamed, "Krist and Dave didn't write the songs, they didn't inherit anything, that's the way it goes—tough shit!" But at this point Courtney will have to glue the corpse of Princess Diana to her body and dance a naked polka on my doorstep to get any more grudging attention out of me, so can we just move on? Thank you. Jesus.

"Dear Adrian, Daniel Radcliffe has a girlfriend from Seattle. I saw them at the Seattle Center. I shook his hand. The girlfriend was nice... they looked in love, holding hands and kissing. It was nice to see. Thanks."—Fluffy

Dear "Fluffy," Yes, I think my mysterious sources already established that, thank you. AVADA KEDAVRA!—Adrian recommended

Send money! adrian@adrianryan.com