Celebrity I SAW U

Oh, the galas! The glamour! The madras! The frittatas! The puddles of free liquor every-fucking-where you STEP! It's SIFF, I tell you! SIFF! SIFF! For the love of God, SIFF!!

There's nothing like a film festival's subsequent queue of endless parties to bring out the Adrian, and darling, the Adrian has been out in spades. And clubs. And deuces or something. (I'm typing through a free-alcoholic haze right now maybe! Can you TELL?) In this week's most crucial SIFF things: If you think you saw Matthew Lillard wandering around the U-District recently, you're insane because he really probably didn't do much wandering at all—he mostly stayed put at the Neptune theater, where SIFF was screening not one, dear lord, but TWO of his charming new films. I was scheduled to meet and greet the oddly adorable man-moppet before one of said screenings at said Neptune, and I either arrived on time, rushed up to him, ripped his surprised shirt off, stuck my tongue down his throat in the hottest boy-on-boy French kiss in recorded history and now we're about to be gay-married on Elton John's yacht, or I missed the entire fucking event because I was stuck in traffic trying to get from where I was earlier filming, indeed, a movie in which I myself am featured. One of these events is mostly true—I give you full license to pick your favorite version and run. Me? I choose to live in the dream.

And Matt Lillard plays Shaggy in the Scooby-Doo movies and was the killer in Scream and junk like that, and all evidence suggests that he's seen Seth Green almost naked more than once. If you were wondering. And you weren't.

"Dear Adrian, If you care, and I don't, Jared Leto came out during an online interview. Did the music turn him queer?"—Mike

Dear Mike, Oh, you do too care. And I already know all about it—Jared Leto is here sucking my dick right now. HEY! WAIT a MINUTE! That's Tim EYMAN!—Adrian

As if I'd let Tim Eyman anywhere NEAR my penis. Honestly people.

"Hey Adrian, I was shopping in Buffalo Exchange on the Ave and had to do a double take when Mr. Hal Sparks caught my eye. He was shopping with some cute chick, didn't catch them holding hands though. Wait, is he really gay or did he just play one on TV?"—MEG

Dearest MEG, The only thing more enticing than people who have seen Seth Green almost naked more than once is Hal Sparks. And of course he's really gay—he's sucking my penis right now! No... wait... that really IS Tim Eyman! Really!—Adrian

Send! adrian@thestranger.com