And yea! For the poor rich and just lately departed old soul of Aaron Spelling (R.I.P.), I offer the following prayer: "Dear Lord, Why the fuck didn't you smite George fucking Bush with a fatal aneurysm instead? Why aren't that evil fucktard's brain-veins exploding? Are you drunk or something? Honestly now. This isn't a rhetorical question. Amen."

I'll report back when God answers. Hallelujah.

"Hi Adrian, I was hopeful that Daniel Radcliffe might actually have found himself a girl in Seattle. Could it be, a real celebrity in our midst? Alas, upon supposed girlfriend's MySpace.com page, I felt a jolt of dismay. There is indeed much delusional rambling. And the supposed sightings: Alderwood (huh?) and Seattle Center, both sworn by a single witness named "Fluffy"? Oh well. I'll just keep my eye on Tom Skerritt for now." —P

Dearest P, People who say "alas" are retarded. —Adrian

Then!: In an attempt to curry the favor of her Satanic master, Britney Spears stopped crying long enough to dye her skanky bleach-fried hair pitch black. As a sign of hellish solidarity, Paris Hilton rushed out and did the exact same thing. Now they both have pitch-black hair. Evil bitches.

"Dear Adrian, I was stopped behind another car at a red light on First Avenue, and a limo pulled up alongside of me... the window was down, and I swear that Ann Wilson was riding in the back!" —Barbara

Dearest Barbara, I happen to know for a fact that only slutty prom girls roll down the windows of limousines, and that Ann Wilson travels only by yak. However, she and that other Wilson girl (Nancy? It escapes me.) were actually both in town to appear at some country-music-singer concert thingy. Alas, I'd rather shit broken glass and rock-salt granola than deal with country fucking music in any way whatsoever, so please ignore this. Hallelujah. —Adrian

Oh, and if I don't tell you right now that my boyfriend once had his eyebrows plucked by Amanda Lepore, I'll never hear the end of it. ("I can't fucking believe The Stranger didn't cover her visit to Seattle last week!" blah, blah, blah.) So. Amanda Lepore plucked my boyfriend's eyebrows once. Experience the magic.

Lastly, in final plucked eyebrows: Spinderella had her makeup done at the Nordstrom MAC counter last week. I'm not sure what exactly a MAC counter is, or why anyone should want to count MACs, but I bet it was pretty awesome anyway. And you can see pictures here: www.adrianryan.com. Hallelujah!

SEND! adrian@thestranger.com