Cultural icons! The real ones are indeed most rare. And among true cultural icons there is none rarer and so arguably arguable than that singular '80s experience that will ever be known as "Long Duk Dong." (Yes: Long Duk Dong!) And I confess: It's been a dream of mine to someday dream of dreaming of meeting the Long Duk Dong—whom, had it not been for thousands of far dreamier iconic '80s-type characters (who wore far fuzzier leg warmers, and boasted way higher Pac-Man scores), might possibly have achieved status as the tenth or eleventh most seminal supporting character of that entire Elvira, Reagan, and Smurf-rich era.

Not that I'd know; I was barely there.

Indeed, the 196-year-old and rather conspicuously Asian pseudo-star of Sixteen Candles, Sixteen Candles, and various MTV retrospectives on Sixteen Candles is filming a new film in Seattle—and it's a film that allegedly has very little to do with Sixteen Candles. Except that he's in it. The irony is, of course, filmy.

What you need to know: Recent intelligence (or "chatter") has confirmed that Long Duk Dong's "real" name is allegedly Gedde "Gary" Watanabe, and the movie he's filming is called Fortune Hunters, and it does not feature Molly Ringwald's lips in any way whatsoever, and he's still remarkably Asian. Beyond that, the rest is silence. Is there any chance of say, you, actually running across, say, him? If you really, really like fortune cookies. I refuse to elaborate. And I don't know what I'm talking about anyway.

Or do I?

"Dearest Adrian, It is my duty to inform you that SIFF did not provide one drop of vodka this year, or last ["Farewell, Sweet Carpet," Celebrity I Saw U, June 22]. The spirit that flowed at all of the SIFF galas was Bombay Sapphire, i.e., gin. Which makes a very nice martini. But it was gin, not vodka. Our sponsors at Bombay Sapphire will be most chagrined if they read your column. If you'd ever like to get together for a gin versus vodka taste-off, I'd be happy to bring a bottle or two!" —G.T.

Dear G.T., No more yanky my wanky... the Donger need FOOD! —Adrian

Then: This so-called "Suri Cruise" child does not exist. I'm sure of it. Or she has seven arms, or a big drippy Puerto Rican penis poking out of her forehead, or she resembles her real father, Darth Vader, too much. No one has seen her since her alleged nativity—not even the freaking Scientologists. I'm telling you: There's something really scary about that invisible baby. Stand by.

Lastly: Mmmm... Bombay gin!