Fucked-up retards plague the earth like a plague of fucked-up retards. It's most troubling.

From the White House to the White House to wherever else George W. Bush might be at the moment that's not necessarily the White House, they're everywhere, and that's only three examples. Many of these fucked-up "fucktards" share common characteristics. For instance, many of them (constituting 50 percent of the stupid, stupid U.S. population) believe that Iraq actually HAD weapons of mass destruction. Some think Hillary Clinton doesn't have a penis. Still more—many more—fucktards tend to take umbrage with one or most so-called "Jews." (Jews? Well, they're a lot like Italians, but with schmeer.) The glaringest exception is, of course, internationally famous fucktard Mel Gibson, who absolutely adores Jews—every yid-nebbishy little one of them. He said so, copiously, when he deeply, deeply apologized over and over again for very loudly blaming their entire race for everything bad that's ever happened (excluding the Holocaust, apparently, which might have seemed excessive) during his recent shitfaced arrest. Whether or not the Jews have forgiven the fucktard is hard to say; they couldn't be reached en masse for comment, and if they had been, they'd have just rambled on about daughters-in-law and canasta and the price of whitefish anyway. But I myself have never forgiven Mel Gibson for that one time he came in my mouth without even warning me, and I don't care if he WAS shitfaced. Asshole.

(Did I ever tell you that story? Oh. I probably meant to. Mel can't really get off unless you punch him hard in the face repeatedly and call him "Yentl Stein." It's hot.)

"Adrian, This morning I was crossing the street at Third Avenue, and I walked through the center of a crowd crossing the opposite direction. They were all carrying recording equipment and in the center was Ben Stein! He looked me right in the eye and returned a modest grin. He never said anything; they just filmed him walking along and looking up at all the grubby storefronts like Radio Shack and Sally Beauty Supply. That is all." —Mason

Dear Mason, I told your story to a room full of naked nuns. None of them believed it, and one threw up. —Adrian

"Adrian, I've seen Yes from MTV's Road Rules: Semester at Sea in Fremont twice now. Does he live in Seattle?" —Molly

Dear Molly, I'd say yes, but that would be redundant. —Adrian

Lastly: Frances Bean Cobain reportedly sent many people into a tizzy last week by wearing her father's old pajamas to a photo shoot. Judging from these many people's extreme reaction, he must have still been in them.

SEND! adrian@thestranger.com