Welcome to the glamorous European Edition of Celebrity I Saw U! Yours truly is currently touring the capitals of Northern Europe--trying to avoid hoof-and-mouth disease in Britain, spacing out in the land of wooden shoes, and generally giving new meaning to the phrase "Europe through the back door." But it occurs to me that the Old World--especially London--must have some celebrities tucked away somewhere, and thus, people who have stumbled across them. What did I uncover? Sir Elton getting sodomized in an alley in Soho? The ghost of Lady Di hovering around the pastry cart at Harrods? BETTER! I unearthed Martin, a lovely London lad who had a screech-inducing encounter with Leonardo DiCaprio.

"My friends and I were on old Compton Street in London's West End when I spotted Leo walking toward us. I started screeching! His two bodyguards tried to stop us from approaching, but Leo said it was okay! He was very friendly and smiled a lot. Then my friend Salvador did something outrageous--he asked Leo for a kiss on the cheek! And Leo GAVE him one! If I could relive that moment, I would ask for his autograph... and definitely a kiss for myself."

Hmmm... Leo kissing BOYS on Compton Street? Is anyone else as shocked as I am? Next, we return to Seattle. A young lady who refers to herself as "The Original Eddie Vedder Stalker" claims to have discovered the whereabouts of Eddie's abode, crept onto his property in the dead of night, shimmied up the side of his house, and peeked through the iron security bars that were there, ironically enough, to keep the nut cases out! Her report:

"All I could see at first were ceiling fans and plants. Then I saw Eddie! He was taking off his socks! He stood up and I could see his entire body--NAKED!!! Yes... I saw Eddie Vedder's ding-a-ling! I was expecting a heart attack at any moment!" Yowza! The moment every would- be starfucking stalker dreams about! Unfortunately, OEVS was less than impressed. "I can see why he's so disgruntled all the time. And it wasn't even cold!" OEVS claims she didn't linger long enough to discover whether Eddie was a "grower, not a shower"--she cheesed it in a hurry when she was spotted by a neighbor. Which makes us wonder whether any of this actually happened. I mean, if a neighbor spotted OEVS clinging to the side of Eddie's house, wouldn't OEVS be in jail right now? Wouldn't there at least be a police report? Regardless, what would OEVS say to Eddie if he were standing, naked, before her now? "I still love ya, baby!"

celebisawu@thestranger.com