"What the heck happened to John Curley?!" That's the question every piddling local celebrity-stalker was asking themselves earlier this month. For one excruciating week, everyone's favorite evening-magazine program was junked up with fill-ins, stand-ins, and sad little Johnny wannabes. So, what happened to our lovable Johnny C? Wagging tongues report that Johnny's absence was a managerially mandated slap on the wrist following a ferocious fit he pitched at work! But what unthinkably horrible thing could possibly have made jolly, jovial John Curley flip his wig? Rumors are flying, but maybe--just MAYBE--it was the stress associated with the very recent wedding to his very pregnant and barely post-pubescent girlfriend!See, when Johnny discovered that his new squeeze--the spring-chickenish, 22-year-old pastry chef at Yarrow Bay Grill--had a four-month-old bun in her hot li'l oven, cradle-robbing Curley rushed to make an honest woman out of her, tying the knot the VERY SAME WEEK that his divorce to the former Mrs. Curley was finalized! I think that under the extreme pressure of ditching one ball 'n' chain just to hurry and get hitched, shotgun-style, to another--compounded with just being so gosh-darn perky all the time--Mr. Curley must have SNAPPED! And who can blame him, really? We all go a little mad sometimes.

For example, as alert Stranger readers should recall, Curley once had the former Mrs. Curley's nickname ("Bud") tattooed on his ASS in a fit of mad abandon. Sigh. In lieu of wedding gifts, the new Mrs. Curley has requested that donations for professional tattoo removal be sent to John Curley, c/o KING TV, 333 Dexter Ave N, Seattle, WA 98109.

Adrian, I gotta tell ya, "TJ" (the gal who claims she saw All My Children's Mark Consuelos working in a strip club) is either lying or delusional! Mark is happily married, lives in New Jersey, and is father to one child with another on the way. I find it hard to believe that he is moonlighting as a Seattle stripper!PVFan

Dear PVFan,In my crazed frenzy to bring this juicy dish to the public, I omitted two important facts: (A) The event happened in Florida, and (B) as far as I know, it could have happened long before Mark hit it big and moved to New Jersey. I have, however, written to Mr. Consuelos, c/o ABC.com, and requested that he elucidate the matter of his going full monty in Florida at any point before he became an international soap sensation and fertile hubby. When he lets me know, I'll let you know. Promise.

celebisawu@thestranger.com