Good heavens! It seems that "lovable, perky, and jovial" John Curley was upset by my report on his shotgun wedding. John and his pastry-chef girlfriend (who, coincidentally, is 16 years his junior and "in the motherly way") got hitched the very same week that John's divorce from the Original Missus Curley became official. Anyway, John went on KUBE 93's T-Man in the Morning show last Wednesday specifically to chew me a new corn chute. Well, that goofy little bugger called me SLIMY, MEAN-SPIRITED, VICIOUS, and DESPOTIC!Now it's no secret that my sense of humor can sometimes be a tad acerbic, but get back Loretta! DESPOTIC? I never intended to get Mr. Curley worked up enough to use such big words (des·pot·ic; adj. A person who wields power oppressively; a tyrant). So, when I heard this vicious evisceration of my character, I naturally rang up the KUBE 93 hotline to put a stop to it.

Well, Johnny and I did a little on-air sparring, and it all boiled down to this: Johnny wasn't mad about WHAT I wrote (which was all gospel truth!) but HOW I wrote it. He thinks that I made it all sound like "a sordid, torrid affair," when, in reality, it was not that way at all, and he thinks I should have focused on the more wholesome aspects of knocking up one woman while married to another. In a nutshell, John thinks I am a great big meany. And, heck, maybe I am! So, by way of reconciliation, I offer an olive branch: My sincere wishes to John and Lacey for a joyous and sordid/torrid-affair-free life together!

Divorce/Wedding/Soon-to-Be Birth Announcement CONGRATULATIONS! Adrian Ryan, The Stranger, and Heck, the Whole Darn World are Pleased-as-Friggin'-Punch to Ann- ounce the Nuptials of...

John Curley & Lacey Whatserface & by Extension, Their Unborn Child (as yet unnamed)

Who exchanged vows on Monday, March 12, on the Lake Washington waterfront, hot on the heels of Mr. Curley's divorce from Paula (formerly Curley) Grooms, whom he "still loves deeply, although life has taken them in separate directions." Gifts Encouraged.I sincerely hope this clears up any animosity, and that when Mr. and Mrs. Curley decide WHAT to do about that troublesome tattoo of the ex-wife's name on Johnny's fanny, they are comfortable enough to let me in on it.

celebrityisawu@thestranger.com