'N Sync was in San Francisco, and Justin Timberlake and Joey Fatone visited Alcatraz, where I work. I didn't notice them at first since they look like every other 22-year-old guy I know, but their bodyguards were easily six feet tall, 300 pounds each and wore blazing orange. And let's face it, big black men in orange stick out in national parks. Anyway, opportunity knocked! I ran to the bookstore and got a disposable camera and approached them when they had finished taking the audio tour. (A crappy Walkman that hangs around your neck and costs $3.50--which they didn't even PAY for! The cashier couldn't deal with the retards and just waved them through.) I acted all girlie and cutesy and they let me have a picture with them. They were nice enough, but they tried to act all pimpy--kept calling me baby and sweetheart. I mean, really. And one of them put his hand on my ass! I think it was the ugly one (that would be Joey). Oh well.
--Brianna Chesser
Lemme tell you a little secret, Brianna. I have trashed them in private and thrashed them in print, but I'd pay real money to have ANY of the 'N Sync boys put their hands on my ass. So count your blessings, you jaded, jaded girl!
I saw Jeff Ament of Pearl Jam courtside at a Sonics game with (egads!) Jennifer Love Hewitt (she of the stacked rack and one-note acting career). Canoodling? Aye, mate--aplenty. Reminded me of Richard Gere in Internal Affairs, bangin' away 'neath the restaurant table. Oh, and since I know Mr. Ament and he hates me, please call me "Zenon" when referring to me.
--"Zenon"
On a final note, I have been DRENCHED in e-mail messages CONFIRMING All My Children stud Mark Consuelos' seedy past as a male stripper. Reader Anna Hoffer assures me that it's been a widely known FACT since his wife Kelly Ripa became Regis' new co-host. So THERE!
