Let's play the IMAGINATION game! Ready? Okay. Let's IMAGINE that there is a NEWCASTER. And let's pretend that this NEWSCASTER is a DESPERATE GAY SLUT who is NOTORIOUS for getting ripped and wagging his enormous schlong at cute boys in public places. Now let's say (hypothetically, mind you!) that after hours of trolling a chic downtown hangout, our weenie-wagging NEWSCASTER finally hooks himself a hottie! Yes, he SCORES!But wait! Now visualize this NEWSCASTER's handsome friend, who is also a GAY SLUT. We'll call him WEATHERMAN. Well, WEATHERMAN is very jealous that NEWSCASTER has lured this sweet piece of ass into his DESPERATE and NOTORIOUS clutches. So let's pretend that when NEWSCASTER excuses himself to use the men's room, WEATHERMAN (sly devil!) steals HOTTIE right out from under NEWSCASTER's desperate, weenie-wagging nose! IMAGINE the tragically hilarious look on NEWSCASTER's face when he returns to the table to find that HOTTIE has run off with his handsome friend! Now, wasn't that fun?

Okay! Next item! Angelina Jolie and Robin Williams (a.k.a. "Lips" and "Wrinkles") are in town filming a movie called Life, Or Something Like It. Now, I must say I'm disappointed that so few of you have taken the time to send me your Robin ("Wrinkles") and Angelina ("Lips") sightings. I can only assume this is because no one has actually seen them yet. This is good! Now I can prepare you for the magical moment when you actually DO stumble across them! My coaching will save you from humiliating yourself--and prepare you to do a public service at the same time! Ready?

Wrinkles: Take a deep breath. Look Wrinkles directly in the eye. Tell Wrinkles that you loved his wacky antics on Mork and Mindy. Then, when he is all glowy from your praise and open to suggestions, explain that, although he is an American Legend, he has lately become a schlocky, sentimental mess. Then beg Wrinkles to stop making movies!

Lips: Breathe. Look her directly in the lips. Assure her that although you simply love her lips, her Oscar was a fluke, and kissing her brother is gross. Beg Lips to stop making movies!

Last item! A nice man named Jimmy was VERY excited to see Nirvana's KRIST NOVOSELIC at Le Voyeur in Olympia. I didn't have the heart to tell him that Krist N. sightings are more common around here than small blond women driving SUVs. Thanks for writing, Jimmy.

celebisawu@thestranger.com