Some of you can't tell a real star from a steaming pile of cow plop. Please note: This column is called CELE- BRITY I Saw U, not HEY! I SAW ANY OLD SCHMO ON THE STREET! A perfect example:

Dear Mr. Ryan,

I was standing in the checkout line at the Roosevelt QFC and who should saddle up behind me but RUBY MONTANA of Ruby Montana's Pinto Pony....Stop right there! Now, while we all enjoyed Miss Montana's fun and kitschy retail outlet, and she is a cute and spunky gal, that doesn't qualify her as a CELEBRITY! The only person who has ever emerged from the world of retail as an actual celebrity is the prodigal, pill-popping Woolworth's heiress Barbara Hutton, and that's because the prodigal, pill-popping Farrah Fawcett did that miniseries about her back in '87. Besides, it's an immutable universal law that REAL celebrities NEVER shop at the Roosevelt QFC.

Dear Adrian,

I saw Bill Nye "the Science Guy" at the airport about seven years ago...First of all, Bill WHO the Science WHAT? And you spotted this towering pillar of mediocrity WHEN? Seven god-blessed YEARS ago?! Okay, I'll admit, the dweeb IS on TV. But need I remind you, so was Joyce DeWitt? John Stamos? JALEEL WHITE, for Christ's sake? If any of these folks were on fire I wouldn't piss on them to put out the flames, syndicated or not! In his defense however, the letter went on to say that Bill acted like a spoiled little dickwad, which is a step in the right direction.

Adrian!

I saw Piggy from MTV's Road Rules on the tram to the main terminal at Sea-Tac Airport....This one could go either way. Piggy is still managing to milk every drop of notoriety left from her stint as one of "reality" TV's temporary celebrities, but me thinks the sun has set on her.

Adrian,

I saw Angelina Jolie at the downtown Barnes & Noble....Now we're cookin' with gas! Angelina is a perfect example of a true celebrity--eccentric, overexposed, and bursting with what looks like silicone! According to this wonderful informant--someone who knows REAL fame when she sees it--Angelina bought wedding AND baby magazines during her visit. This means, of course, that the relationship between her and her creepy brother is going even better than we thought. Class dismissed!

celebisawu@thestranger.com