Picture it: An innocent little Asian girl, tossed about by the tempests of life and washed up on American shores, finds herself in a BIZARRE marriage that est- ranges her from her mother. Got it? Okay--you are either imagining every scene from The Joy Luck Club or Woody Allen's wife Soon-Yi Previn. But probably Soon-Yi. She and the Woodster were spotted anywhere and everywhere last week, arm in arm and twitterpated as teenagers (gag, wretch). Chad Queirolo from the Showbox ran across the perky pair at Second and Union and says, "She looks really young. He looks really old." No kidding! Forgive me for pointing out the obvious, but isn't theirs the weirdest, most depraved relationship EVER? I mean, he's a Sagittarius and she's a Libra!And things get weirder! This week I got a message from KONG producer John Polnik, informing me that none other than fake-ID-toting, underage booze-swilling presidential progeny Jenna Bush suddenly appeared at the Belltown location where he was shooting KONG's late-night indie show Clubworld! Pressed for details, Polnik said that Secret Service agents snatched his camera and erased 48 incriminating seconds of Jenna Bush footage from his tape! Can this too-good-to-be-true story possibly be true? Calls to the Secret Service say NO.... Stay tuned for details in this fascinating case!

Bradley was a sweet little boy. He played pirates and superheroes with his neighborhood pals, ran through garden hoses on hot summer days, and anxiously awaited the Fourth of July with a passion that only sweet little boys can muster. Why, the Fourth was Bradley's very favorite holiday in the whole wide world! So when Independence Day came around, Bradley would run down to the docks to wonder at the fireworks as they reflected off the lake near his home. That's when that mean old Mr. Smith hollered at the boy, violently inquiring if this was the little boy's house, before informing him that no, it wasn't, and asking if the little boy would like it if Mr. Smith came and invaded HIS yard. The cantankerous codger continued to cuss as Bradley ran away in tears, his feelings crushed and his holiday ruined, another sad casualty of Mr. Smith, who went on to become known as the Frugal Gourmet.

Alrighty, folks; end of story! Unless the Frugal Gourmet is seen painted hot pink and slapping his pecker on the pavement while chewing the heads off of fluffy baby bunnies, you're NOT going to read about him again in this column!