Gentlemen, we have Bush! I fully expect to find myself decomposing in an oil barrel deep in the Nevada desert for this, BUT... oodles of finger-wagging witnesses have gleefully "confirmed" reports of First Delinquent Jenna Bush's teenage shenanigans at a 21-and-over Belltown hipster hot spot--and the Secret Service's sad attempts to cover them up! Meanwhile, the Service scoffs at the whole affair and denies that Jenna was ever even HERE. Curiouser and curiouser! Personally, I applaud the young Bush's continuing efforts at exposing the Bush clan as the drunken despotic reprobates they truly are. (Confidential to Jenna: Chug, chug, CHUUUUUUUUUG! BABY! Wooohoooo!)Gentlemen, we have Wood! Pot activist/has-been actor with world-class abs Woody Harrelson was spotted at the Bamboo Gardens vegetarian restaurant on Queen Anne last week. A sneaky Jewish youth group at the next table reportedly snapped photos of him as he absentmindedly choked down green veggies and creepy soy-based meat substitutes (DON'T call it "pork" if it ain't got no PIG in it!). I have no idea why Woody was visiting Seattle, but I have a sneaky suspicion that Hempfest might have had a teensy smidge to do with it. There were no reports on the dilation, or lack thereof, of Mr. Harrelson's pupils.

More presidential progeny: "He's in paradise in his own mind," was all Ron Reagan Jr. had to say about his doddery dad's condition last week when he was cornered and queried by "Douglas" at the Queen Anne Thriftway. Ronnie Jr. had reportedly left his BEARD (a.k.a. "wife") at home and was shopping with a handsome male "companion." Of course, this is just one person's interpretation, and no assumptions about Mr. Reagan Junior's (a.k.a. Little Dancing Pixie Man's) sexual orientation are implied whatsoever. Oh, who am I kidding? Oil barrel, here I come!

Have you heard that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston have purchased a horse ranch on the Snoqualmie River? Well, they have, and they were seen grocery shopping like commoners in glamorous North Bend last week, flanked by two "gorgeous" bodyguards. "The bodyguards looked like International Male models and were more interested in each other's muscles than protecting their famous employers from crazed North Benders." Of course, this is just one person's interpretation, and no assumptions...

celebisawu@thestranger.com