I tried being patient; I tried to be polite. But I'm just going to have to come RIGHT out and SAY it, aren't I? JIHAD SCHMIHAD! If people don't start caring about celebrities again, do you know what's going to happen? This whole darn gossip business is going to go tits up, that's what! It's entirely depressing: All anyone wants to talk about these days is ANTHRAX.

And I do NOT see what all the fuss is about--I get suspicious shipments of mysterious white powder ALL THE TIME. Heck, I'd be concerned and disappointed if I didn't! So, please, put down those gas masks for a moment and let's all return our attention to what's really important: neurotically stalking musicians and movie stars! I mean, the most exciting sighting last week was HARRY WAPPLER for the love of bleeding Jesus!

Okay. This week began a teensy bit better (and weirder) when Kim Cattrall was spotted at the fucking PANCAKE CORRAL in Bellevue (so much for glamour). You know Kim... a bit matronly, more than a bit slutty, co-stars in Sex and the City, and stars in those revoltingly whorish Pepsi One commercials where she's trying to sex up studs HALF her age. Oh! And she was also the big-haired department store dummy that supernaturally came to life in Mannequin back in '87. Remember? Right. Well there she was. In Bellevue. Eating pancakes. Yes siree. And I'm sure there's something desperately interesting to say about that, but I just can't think of it right now.

Speaking of supernatural dummies and huge hair: Who should appear on commercials for TV's amazing Jamaican psychic Ms. Cleo but Lindsay Brien from Real World: Seattle?! She "interviews" the teleprophet, cleverly posing as a personality on the questionable Atlanta station "Q100" (I checked it out: The website looks legit, but the phone number is a dud, and most of the links involve Ms. Cleo-related events). I've contacted Lindsay, and am patiently waiting for her wild justifications for this bizarre career move.

Speaking of sketchy TV and radio personalities: Tari Free of KUBE 93's (now syndicated) T-Man in the Morning Show cornered me and cussed me out for being interminably catty to long-suffering John Curley. "He's a very sweet guy!" she claims, insisting that she hosts Broadway Grill's annual Halloween costume contest with him, and that Curley's a doll. But I suspect she just wanted to plug the event. So there it is--October 31, Broadway Grill, 314 Broadway E. Dress up, get plastered, and judge John for yourself.

And for the love of god, GIVE ME THE DETAILS!