Whitney Houston is many things—most of them are really quite horrible. She possesses all the bad habits known to a fading pop star. She's a screecher and a screamer. She's a powder hooverer and a crack whacker. She's a snob, a snit, a spoiled-rotten paparazzi flipper-offer. She's rather untidy. She's never adopted even ONE poor African orphan. (I know this for a fact. We dated. In the '80s. Before our band broke up. Word.) Whitney Houston is, indeed, African America's (or whatever) answer to Courtney Love, who is, herself, the white-trash answer to a question no one asked. Of course, Whitney can hang on to a man about a gajillion times longer than Courtney, and her relationships don't end with a shotgun blast to the face. To date, anyway. Knock on wood. Or don't. You know. Whatever.
Wait. Why were we talking about Whitney Houston? Oh, yes. I really hate that bitch. (Can I please just get this shit off my chest?) And why were we talking about Courtney Love? That dizzy cow has been silent as the grave lately. Maybe she's dead. God forbid.
No, really. She owes me a blowjob.
In related news: George Michael has publicly come forward with his love for marijuana. This brave revelation, like that of his pseudo-celebrated fudgepackery, lags roughly 20 million years behind general public knowledge and shocks no one. His mom, maybe. If she's a drooling vegetable. George Michael remains worn out and rather hideous.
"Adrian, I was at Queen City Grill and in came Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam and Ron Wood of the Rolling Stones with a party of six. They were whisked to the back while their security guy sat perched at the bar watching every person who ventured toward them. By the end of the evening, the word was out and the bar was packed with people wanting to get a look at them." —Stevie G.
Dear Stevie G., How much wood would Ron Wood wood, if Ron Wood could Ron wood? I demand an answer. —Adrian
"Adrian, I'm with you on Oprah for president. It's been years since I remember telling one of my former bosses that Oprah was the most powerful woman in the world. So powerful she can move markets (and watching markets is my business). He looked at me like I had lost my mind. Republican idiot. Love your column!" —Stacey
Dear Stacey, I keep getting interrupted by these random letters. Why is it that I keep getting interrupted by these random letters? It's a mystery. I feel it prudent to note at this juncture, however, that Barack Obama is not now, nor ever has been, a repressed lesbian. Do with this information what you will. —Adrian