The only thing worse than having hot barbed wire threaded through your urethra is EATING CROW. But I'm a big enough man-child to admit when I'm less than accurate, so here goes: How, how, HOW could I have been so terribly, terribly wrong? Last week I claimed that NOTHING, but NOTHING could POSSIBLY top seeing Backstreet Beefcake Kevin Richardson in a queer bar. Well, move over Kevin, now there's something meatier! The buzz on the street is that THE MOST GORGEOUS, SEX-A-RIFFIC FUCK-MUFFIN ever to pop out of God's little oven, THE Mr. "YOU'RE SO DAMN HOT it HURTS to even LOOK at you" Real World New Orleans token homo stud DANNY ROBERTS is in town! Why you ask? Who the fuck cares! Where you ask? Well, Manray for one, walking on First Avenue with his GI boyfriend for two, and anywhere you might see ME down on all fours LICKING THE GROUND for three. So, shove off, Kev--I'd trade a BUCKET of Backstreet for a TEASPOON of Danny, any day of the week.

And you know? Nothing takes one's mind off a luscious fuck-stick like DANNY ROBERTS better than cute, cuddwy widdle BABIES! Star-spotting "Kelly" was strolling her baby down 45th in Wallingford when she spotted a happy couple approaching wearing chubby pink progenies strapped across their respective chests in those yuppy-ish baby-toting thingies. As they passed, the baby-clad dad smiled a great big baby-loving smile and gave her a hearty "Hi!" And who was this doting daddy? That's right... DAVE MATTHEWS! Awww... isn't that sweet? And isn't DANNY ROBERTS the fricking HOTTEST GUY???

Picture it: good friends, good times, yummy eggnog, and a big giant dildo. It was an X-mess "white elephant" gift exchange shindig, attended by local notables such as (gay, gay, GAY) Northwest Week host C. R. Douglas and (gay, gay, GAY) Washington State Representative Joe McDermott. When Mr. McDermott found himself in the politically perilous position of keeping the phallic bundle of joy he had "randomly" selected from the stack or trading it in for a less coveted gift, he gallantly passed his priapic prize on to a more needy recipient, adding, "I have no need of such toys." SO! This can mean one of three things: He's (A) lying, (B) the only real "top" in Seattle, or (C) the only politician truly in touch with the needs of his constituents. In any case, isn't DANNY ROBERTS the fricking HOTTEST GUY EVER???