Why do you taste so damn good, flavorsome cheese-and-mushroom pizza?
Because I am regulation-enforced traditional Neapolitan pizza, made in the lush valleys of Columbia City.
Which entails what exactly?
I am made with San Marzano tomatoes grown in the rich volcanic soil at the toe-tips of Mt. Vesuvius; fresh, whole-milk mozzarella; and fresh, happy yeast. I am then placed in an Associazione Verace Pizza Napoletana–approved wood-fired oven, which will cook me in less than two minutes.
What is the Associazione Verace Pizza Napoletana?
They are pizza inspectors who travel around the world judging the authenticity of Neapolitan pizza based on a handful of anal-retentive but delicious factors, such as the gluten content of flour and the happiness of yeast (on a 1–10 scale). I was the first pizza in the Northwest to receive a VPN approval, and only the 10th in the United States.
Are there strict guidelines, then, to eating Neapolitan pizza?
Neapolitans fold each slice in half like a paper plane, or consume me with a fork and knife, but all you need to do is bite me. Bite me hard.