What are your main duties as chef de cuisine?

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Souping up the masses with homemade goodness of my choosing. Our tentative business-card motto is, "We'll soup the shit out of you!" but it's still being workshopped. Our soups usually range from seven to as many as I want.

What do you prefer to be souped up on?

Cheesy beer soup.

Besides soup, what do you offer customers?

Very attractive and attentive waitresses and manservants, such as myself. Everyone is young, personable, and beauteous, including the owners. We're a motley crew of tight, youthful college students and recent graduates who lack long-term direction in life but know how to flex and make beer into soup. We're perfect eye candy and humbly grateful for generous tips.

How do you create new soups?

It's a pretty informal process. Everyone here loves really good food, so anyone can have input. Everything we use is fresh and seasonal, so usually we just mess around and it turns out tasty.

Have you baked beer into a tasty dessert yet?

No, right now we specialize in making overwrought cupcakes and cakes with gooey homemade frosting. They all look misshapen and angsty, so we name them things like "Baker's Outreach Program Cake" and "Type II Strawberry Cake" after my favorite kind of diabetes.