Why are you so goddamned elusive?

I'm not cultivated commercially, so you have tramp up to the forest to pick me, fending off bears and old women with wicker baskets and knobby berry-picking claws. Maybe your roommate will agree to go with you on a huckleberry-picking date, or maybe he'll cancel at the last minute for some incredibly gay event involving a wet T-shirt contest for lapdogs.

Whereabouts do you grow?

I'm native to the Pacific Northwest, so fuck Michigan and their Blueberry Pride Parade. Picking spots abound in the Gifford Pinchot National Forest, the Cascades, and the Mount Adams Wilderness Area.

What do you taste like?

I'm small and tart—like a blueberry with a bit of spank. I range in color from dark blue to deep purple and red. As Wikipedia points out, I'm "generally edible"—the exception being the "garden huckleberry," which really belongs to the nightshade family.

Do you have other names?

In Europe I am known as the bilberry.

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If I don't make it out to the woods in the next three weeks, where can I find you?

In grocery-store jams, I guess. But they're stupidly expensive.