SATURDAY 10/1

JERRY SEINFELD

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Last year on a flight to Idaho, I sat next to a medium who, in addition to speaking with the dead, claimed to have a psychic connection to Jerry Seinfeld. For one doll-sized bottle of rum, she offered to read Seinfeld's mind for me. I ordered the rum, she unscrewed the tiny lid, closed her eyes, and took a sip.

"At this moment in time, he is sitting on the toilet contemplating his failures."

What failures?

"His marriage show and that failed honeybee business," she said, I assume referring to The Marriage Ref and Bee Movie. "Both were deeply unfunny. He is embarrassed. He is thinking, 'Is this the end of Jerry Seinfeld, funny man?'"

So is this the end of Jerry Seinfeld, funny man?

No, the medium said. She told me that failure is part of a comedic cycle—like a snake shedding its skin. It's rejuvenating. Someday, Seinfeld would once again "make America piss its pants."

"He's perfecting a joke right now about cavity prevention that is very funny," she added. I asked her to tell me the joke. She declined, even when I offered up another doll-sized bottle of rum.

"Do you know how much money I am offered to pluck jokes right out of Jerry Seinfeld's head?"

No. How much?

"Enough to buy a new, full-size Ford truck every day of the week. But I have morals."

Soon she was snoring while I toasted a tiny toast to her morals, alone.

So: If rum-loving psychic-mediums from Caldwell, Idaho, can be believed, one of the Nine Comedic Wonders of the World is chomping at the bit for the chance to make you piss your pants with jokes about cavity prevention. Who are you to deny him? Paramount Theatre, 7 and 9:30 pm, $45–$75, all ages.

SUNDAY 10/2

WEIRD AND AWESOME WITH EMMETT MONTGOMERY

The monthly variety show returns with standup comedy, stories, songs, and a performance by journalist/comedian Jimmy Radosta, Portland's answer to David Sedaris. Hosted by dapper carpet walrus Emmett Montgomery, who adds that there will be "a memorial for a teddy bear with a human face." Plus, cheap booze and prizes! Annex Theatre, 7:30 pm, $10, all ages.