FRIDAY 11/9

JAY INSLEE FOR GOVERNOR, FEATURING AL GORE!

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This event isn't billed as comedy, per se—it's a luncheon fundraiser for gubernatorial hopeful Jay Inslee, with former failed presidential hopeful Al Gore as his special guest. I've had a decades-long fantasy of telling Al Gore terrible Al Gore jokes and this may be my (or your) only chance to fulfill it. Q: Why was Al Gore the best vice president we have ever had? A: His predecessor couldn't spell "potato" and his successor shot someone in the face. I bet Al Gore would have a really funny joke about Al Gore. (Plus, he's now single, ladies! Dream Q: What's the difference between Al Gore and my vagina? A: About 12 inches.) Paramount Theatre, noon, $125 (or name your own price!).

SATURDAY 11/12

32ND ANNUAL SEATTLE INTER- NATIONAL COMEDY COMPETITION

I talked with LA comedian Heather Thomson, who this week competes against 15 men for a shot at $5,000 and a title that proves she is funnier than a bag of dicks.

What attracted you to standup?

Jokes are beautiful art when crafted properly—to me they are Mozart or Cézanne (especially when they're about dicks! Am I right? Up top!). And the only thing better than laughing at something that hurts is laughing with a roomful of people who also get it and feel a little bit better because you said it. I've been doing standup for six years now, but this is my first year in the Seattle competition.

Not that vaginas are a secret weapon, but what kind of secret weapons do you have shoved up your vagina to win this thing?

Funny you should ask—at any given time I usually have some kind of hippie probiotic boric acid capsule up there 'cause I grow yeast like my body is a full-time bakery. Boric acid is toxic if ingested orally, and last week I got my pills messed up, took it orally, and had to call poison control and explain to a man that I didn't know and will hopefully never meet in person that I got confused by the flowers on the bottle and put my lady pill in the wrong hole. So I could literally poison [the competition] and let them all have uncomfortable conversations with Mark, the best guy at poison control who works the night shift.

Which is more dangerous—Hot Pockets or cocaine?

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Turn all impressionable youths' ears away when I say this, but if you are going to be addicted to something, cocaine makes you thin and hip. Hot Pockets, and I speak from experience, can make you a late-20s virgin. Also, they have a lot of preservatives.

Tacoma Comedy Underground, 8:30 pm, $15, 21+.

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