JAY INSLEE FOR GOVERNOR, FEATURING AL GORE!
This event isn't billed as comedy, per se—it's a luncheon fundraiser for gubernatorial hopeful Jay Inslee, with former failed presidential hopeful Al Gore as his special guest. I've had a decades-long fantasy of telling Al Gore terrible Al Gore jokes and this may be my (or your) only chance to fulfill it. Q: Why was Al Gore the best vice president we have ever had? A: His predecessor couldn't spell "potato" and his successor shot someone in the face. I bet Al Gore would have a really funny joke about Al Gore. (Plus, he's now single, ladies! Dream Q: What's the difference between Al Gore and my vagina? A: About 12 inches.) Paramount Theatre, noon, $125 (or name your own price!).
32ND ANNUAL SEATTLE INTER- NATIONAL COMEDY COMPETITION
I talked with LA comedian Heather Thomson, who this week competes against 15 men for a shot at $5,000 and a title that proves she is funnier than a bag of dicks.
What attracted you to standup?
Jokes are beautiful art when crafted properly—to me they are Mozart or Cézanne (especially when they're about dicks! Am I right? Up top!). And the only thing better than laughing at something that hurts is laughing with a roomful of people who also get it and feel a little bit better because you said it. I've been doing standup for six years now, but this is my first year in the Seattle competition.
Not that vaginas are a secret weapon, but what kind of secret weapons do you have shoved up your vagina to win this thing?
Funny you should ask—at any given time I usually have some kind of hippie probiotic boric acid capsule up there 'cause I grow yeast like my body is a full-time bakery. Boric acid is toxic if ingested orally, and last week I got my pills messed up, took it orally, and had to call poison control and explain to a man that I didn't know and will hopefully never meet in person that I got confused by the flowers on the bottle and put my lady pill in the wrong hole. So I could literally poison [the competition] and let them all have uncomfortable conversations with Mark, the best guy at poison control who works the night shift.
Which is more dangerous—Hot Pockets or cocaine?
Turn all impressionable youths' ears away when I say this, but if you are going to be addicted to something, cocaine makes you thin and hip. Hot Pockets, and I speak from experience, can make you a late-20s virgin. Also, they have a lot of preservatives.
Tacoma Comedy Underground, 8:30 pm, $15, 21+.