WHAT A CROC! (THE CROCODILE COMEDY SHOW)

Go check out this new weekly comedy showcase (after tonight it'll be on Tuesdays) curated and hosted by Paul Merrill, a very funny man who's famously made "nearly $20 in the course of his [comedy] career." Tonight's show features the return of Seattleite Solomon Georgio, who promises to wow you with new material. Barring that: "I guess I promise to keep my shirt on. That's a thing that people seem to like." Crocodile, 8 pm, free, 21+.

TOM GREEN

What the skinny fuck ever happened to Tom Green, star of MTV's '90s hit The Tom Green Show and the critically acclaimed film Freddy Got Fingered, you ask? We've harbored that same burning question for more than a decade! The answer, we learned, is standup comedy. Green took a few minutes out of his busy schedule to discuss maturity, deny being old, and explain how controversial, or uncontroversial, or something, his standup routine about Facebook is. He'll be doing said routine at Parlor Live if you want to make up your own damn mind (or not). Confidential to future Tom Green interviewers: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T MENTION HIS FACE.

First off, what have you been doing for the past 10 years?

Working on standup. It's a completely different format, different genre than what I'd done. I'm 40 now. Having dealt with cancer, the media, criticism—it changes the way you look at human beings. I don't like to say that the comedy has matured because that doesn't sound funny—who wants to see a mature comedian? And I'm certainly not one of the oldest. But it's an interesting age, because I have a lot of the sensibilities of a teenager and a lot of new, emerging ways of looking at life.

The press release your PR person sent says your comedy "is never offensive." Many people remember you as an MTV shock comic. What's changed?

I don't think it has—it depends on who's watching it. There was always an outrageousness to the show and to my standup. I'm talking about controversial stuff.

Can you give me some examples?

Like we should all cancel our Facebook page. Our addiction to technology... but I'm not trying to challenge the audience or be controversial.

So it's not controversial?

A lot of the subject matter is very polarizing. I'm talking about how things have changed over the last 30 years. The instant access of being anywhere on the planet at any time, having cameras in our pockets. How Facebook is destroying marriages. The punch lines come from that. It's a fun, silly show.

You've been hailed by a coworker of mine—Goldy—as "giving hope to ugly men everywhere" because you once had sex with Drew Barrymore, but obviously that was years ago. What are you doing now to earn the admiration of ugly men everywhere?

Is he calling me ugly? I prefer to think of myself as nerdy.

I think he was being self-deprecating more than anything—he thinks you're funny.

I'm sorry your friend is so hard on himself. I've always just been inspired by comedy.

[An hour later, Tom Green's publicist called to berate me for asking that question about ugly men and tell me not to print it. Confidential to Tom: Sorry you took offense—I didn't expect a comedian famous for humping a dead moose, masturbating a horse, putting dog shit on microphones while interviewing strangers, etc., to be so thin-skinned.]

Parlor Live, 7:30 and 10 pm, $35, 21+.