All the men in the world here. Just wanted to let you know that you're fucking stupid. You know how you always think that we like you? Stupid! Because we DON'T. Except when we do. But if we do, we are lying! Because we just want to FUCK EVERYONE WHO IS NOT YOU! And you're hopelessly, disgustingly stupid for thinking we don't. See this right here? Yeah, it's a penis. You've probably seen one before, but you've probably never seen the same one more than once. Because we're ramblin' men, darlin'! We gotta ramble on down that dusty trail! Please stop calling us on our ramblin' cowboy phones. Anyway, you should totally pay to see He's Just Not That Into You. It's 129 minutes of irrefutable proof that everyone in the world, divided by gender, behaves exactly the same way in the exact same predictable patterns. Always. (Except when they don't.) You, women, are predictably stupid. We, men, are predictably having an awesome time being just not that into you. Ever. Enjoy your movie! You can thank us later.
Love (Just kidding!),
Watching He's Just Not That Into You was one of the most miserable experiences of my life—right up there with the time I accidentally swallowed 12 spiders, and that summer when I was on mop duty at the egg-eating contest, and the time I fell in the chipper at Old Man O'Flaherty's sawmill.
Gigi (Ginnifer Goodwin) is single. Harrumph! She spends most—no wait, all—of her time harrumphing, crying, rationalizing, stalking, and staring at her phone waiting for men to call back. (This behavior, the prologue tells us, is the same the world over, even in AFRICA: "I'm sure he just forgot your hut number." "Or was eaten by a lion.") All of that changes when she meets Alex (Justin Long), a player-about-town who rejects hot ladies left and right, despite the fact that he looks like the black-Irish cousin of Beaker from the Muppets. Alex proceeds to teach Gigi all about why guys are just not that into her. Meanwhile, in subplot-land, all the men are like, "People who get married are not to be trusted," and all the women are like, "Let's look up places for your destination wedding!"
I'm not saying that people don't do predictable things. I'm not saying that women aren't annoying sometimes, or that all men secretly do want to get married, or that Bradley Cooper is not the world's handsomest slice of unrequited-love pie. But reducing all human behavior to bullshit platitudes like "A girl will not sleep with you if she calls you 'cuddly' or 'dependable'" is counterproductive and boring and meaningless. It means nothing. I have never met a movie marketed to women that was quite so stridently and shamelessly antiwoman. Stupid, stupid women.