It's a good thing Charles Dickens is dead and there's no such thing as zombies (and, anyway, in heaven they only screen independent films—Saint Janice, Our Lady of Movie Programming, is a total snob), because The Ghosts of Girlfriends Past would make that dude reanimate in a second and revenge-munch Hollywood's brains. Ghosts is a reimagining—or, as we say in the biz, "RAPE! RAAAAPE!"—of Dickens's A Christmas Carol, except instead of Ebenezer Scrooge you have Matthew McConaughey, and instead of being crotchety and making fun of a kid with a withered leg, he just has sex a lot. A LOT. One suspects that this screenplay was written not by a professional human writer, but by Matthew McConaughey's actual penis. Here are some representative quotes:

"Every night I swim in a lake of sex." —Matthew McConaughey

Every night, McConaughey says, he swims in a lake of sex. He goes swimming in a lake, you see, and the lake is filled not with water but with sex! What does that mean? Surely sex is not a physical substance through which one could swim. Maybe it has something to do with later in the movie, when McConaughey gets caught in a symbolic torrential downpour of "all the lady tears that have been shed for [him]," quickly followed by a similar downpour of ALL THE CONDOMS HE'S EVER USED IN HIS LIFE. Condoms. Raining from the sky. Last one in is a fermented 20-year-old used condom dropped from a great height!

"Martinis! We have apple, bubble gum, and tandoori!" —Matthew McConaughey's Indian Assistant

You guys, that's racist.

"If you do anything to detract from her wedding, I will sneak into your room in the middle of the night and cut off your favorite appendage... I can make it look like an accident." —Jennifer Garner

"Whaaat? What's that? You're kidding! You woke up this morning and your magical screenwriting penis was gone? Just gone? Gosh. I have no idea. I mean, it looks like you must have been sleepwalking, and then you accidentally fell penis-first into this bowl of scissors. Clumsy of you, really, to leave this bowl of scissors lying around so close to your penis. What? No. That's not mine. Well, it looks like a knife covered in penis blood. I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE YOU ACCIDENTALLY TOOK A NAP ON IT, GERALD FORD."

"You made your bed, now you gotta bang whatever crawls into it." —Michael Douglas, as Matthew McConaughey's Uncle Wayne, an Orange, Womanizin' Goblin Who Taught Him Everything He Knows About Being Awful

I'm pretty sure they just turned the camera on and let Michael Douglas talk.