Oh... oh my god. I can feel it. It tingles. Can you feel it? You guuuuuuys! An event of some kind is happening somewhere in the world! People are doing a thing! Somewhere! FINALLY! And you know what that means—it's time to get FUCKED UP NEARLY TO THE POINT OF HUMAN DEATH O'CLOCK. This could be our only chance. Now. If you're like me, you probably have trouble figuring out how to drink properly—i.e., how to move the alcohol from outside to inside. I mean, I know you put the juice part on the drinky hole and down the mouth tube, and then fun (and sometimes sexy intercourse!) happens and a lamp shade on the head is traditional and when you wake up, your pillow is gone. Right? But when do you do it? Where? Why? I need arbitrary rules to facilitate what I put in my mouth to have fun! Well, you're in luck. I got 'em. Please to enjoy Lindy West's Heavily Researched and Sexy-Intercourse-Guaranteed* 2010 Academy Awards Drinking Games!

THE SANDY BULLOCK!

Every time Sandra Bullock (star of The Blind Side) says "inspiration" or "gift" or "I'm normally afraid of black people, but you're one of the good ones," chug a hard lemonade! Wooo!

THE DISTRICT 9!

Every time a Nigerian prostitute has sex with a bug from space, scream "IT'S MY MEDICINE" and take a shot of Jägermeister!

THE DWAYNE "THE ROCK" JOHNSON'S FACE!

Every time Tooth Fairy doesn't win all the Oscars for being completely awesome, drink all the alcohol in the house and hope that maybe in heaven people aren't such humorless BITCHEZ.

THE NORMAL HUMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED TO TAKE FUCKING REMEDIAL NIGHT CLASSES IN HAVING FUN!

Hold the alcoholic beverage of your choice (e.g., beer, cocktail, etc.) in either hand. When the feeling strikes you, move the beverage to your mouth, tilt it, and allow gravity to carry the alcohol down your throat. Swallow the liquid. Set the beverage down from time to time. Use a coaster, you animal. God this is stupid. I am so drunk right now. Wooo!

(Note: I'll be live-blogging the ceremony—and getting toootally wasted, obv!—along with David Schmader, Paul Constant, and Jen Graves on Sun March 7, 5–8 pm on Slog, The Stranger's blog. Also recommended: Reel Grrls is hosting an Oscar party/fundraiser at Central Cinema, 4–8:30 pm, $25. Drink some beer, help some children.) recommended

*Sexy intercourse not actually guaranteed.