Let's talk about Whoopi Goldberg's bladder. It's been leaking. Everywhere.
I acquired this fact during the Academy Awards (which we'll get to in a minute), when she appeared in an elaborate commercial for feminine panty-diapers Poise Pads: a Klumpesque parade of notable ladies throughout history, all portrayed by Whoopi, their historical urethras gushing urine like so many tiny Old Faithfuls. A partial transcript:
Cleopatra: You know, I—I have a problem.
Joan of Arc, tied to stake: Every time somebody comes close to me with that darn torch, I get nervous and ffffft!
The Princess (and the "Pee"—get it?): A little spritzer.
Statue of Liberty: I went cccchhh! And my god! Such a puddle!
Helen of Troy: And when I laugh, a little spritz.
Cleopatra: I'd been leaking for years. YEARS!
Lady Godiva: Somebody will give you a bit of a tickle, and the next thing you know—BOOP! You're wet!
Cleopatra: Pppt! Pppt! Pppt!
On YouTube, you can watch extended scenes of each character rhapsodizing about her leaky hole. Among the revelations: It took extra time to burn Joan of Arc at the stake because she kept getting nervous and "spritzing" on the flames; Helen of Troy "launched a thousand ships" on the rivers of urine issuing forth from her noble aperture; and Eleanor Roosevelt once laughed so hard at one of Chiang Kai-shek's famous knock-knock jokes that she blinded Scottish terrier Fala in one eye with a concentrated blast of uric acid (that is the only thing in this entire column that I made up).
One in three women, Whoopi-patra then informed me, is constantly sneezing pee out her front-butt! In case you have trouble understanding the gravity of that statistic, try this simple experiment: Look to your left. Look to your right. Look in another direction also. One of those women is peeing her pants right now. Real talk.
And you know what? Good for you, Whoopi! Empresses and comediennes and great big French statues and nude anti-tax activists who just happen to spray urine willy-nilly all over everything all the time shouldn't be embarrassed to talk about it. Someday, I plan to be the kind of older lady who leaks pee—who really lived life and bladder to the fullest—and I'm going to wear the shit out of some Poise Pads and go to a tickle party wearing a cat-fur balaclava. Pppt! Pppt! Pppt! Pppppppt!
What? Oh, right. About the Oscars. Sandra Bullock won one, or something. There is a 33 percent chance she peed her pants during her speech. Pppt!!!