America, this is getting embarrassing. Seriously. We are such a drunk country cousin at the global family reunion picnic right now (that's an expression, right?). Here's the thing, which I know you're having a hard time dealing with, so get a stick to bite on or something while you read it: Sometimes... gay dudes have sex with other gay dudes. It's a lot to take, definitely—the knowledge that somewhere in the world, some consenting adults are engaging in completely legal, private, largely mundane behavior that doesn't involve or affect you in any way—but it is the truth and you can't shame the truth out of existence. So that said, PLEASE GET A NEW HOBBY BECAUSE THE REST OF THE WORLD IS LAUGHING AT US.

According to the Wikipedia page (shut up) for the new Jim Carrey/Ewan McGregor comedy I Love You Phillip Morris:

The film was released in Europe, Taiwan, and Japan between February and April 2010. Although a limited run in the United States was initially scheduled for April 30, 2010, it was later reported that the film's release had been indefinitely postponed.

Oh, that's weird! Because I saw the film I Love You Phillip Morris and found it to be a totally innocuous little based-on-a-true-love-story movie of moderate entertainment value (one might call it a romp!). Whatever could have delayed its distribution?

After original difficulty finding a U.S. distributor, likely due to its explicit gay sexual content, the film was reedited.

Oh. Right. The dudes are gay. That's what happened. Way to go, America. Pardon me while I zzzzzzzzzzzzz indefinitely, you boring-ass herd of unfrozen-cavemen evangelist douches. This movie isn't even that GOOD, and look at all this ranting you made me do! This shit ain't free!

Anyway, I Love You Phillip Morris is finally here, and like I said, it's a'ight. It's the story of real-life con man Steven Russell (Carrey, smarmy old queen extraordinaire), who will stop at nothing to be with his one true love, Phillip Morris (McGregor, sweet little thing). Russell is a championship bullshitter who can't sit still—so smart he's constantly bored, so bored he turns destructive, like a border collie trapped in a studio apartment. He meets Morris in jail and the two begin a tiny, 10-by-10-foot romance that will swallow the rest of Russell's life.

Phillip Morris has its charming moments—why can't Russell stop conning? Because "being gay is really expensive!"—but Carrey's strained, fake-tanned mugging is hard to stomach after a while. But it's still exhilarating to watch him work (he breaks out of prison four different times to go running back to Morris's side). Excellent? Not really. Explicit? Not at all. But here's the thing, America—the straights get Justin Long and Drew Barrymore. Let the gays have their mediocre romances, too. It's called equality. recommended